


With All Due Respect

by Hot_elf



Series: Mass Effect - Susannah Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:21:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hot_elf/pseuds/Hot_elf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tough mission, James really just wants a hot shower and some rest. Little does he expect to end up naked in Commander Shepard's quarters... But once the dam is broken, the two of them realize there's far more than just physical attraction between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forgetful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [suilven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/suilven/gifts).



**Chapter 1 - Forgetful**

The hot water pounded his broad back in a steady, soothing rhythm, loosening at least a little of the tension in his muscles. James' eyes were closed in utter bliss. The mission had been tough, Geth Hunters and Primes coming at them from all sides. More than once he'd felt sure they were finished, but Shepard hadn't given up. She never would.

As soon as he'd been out of the shuttle, he'd headed straight for the shower, and doubtlessly so had Kaidan. No such luxury for the Commander, though - she'd been called to the Comm Room the moment they'd set foot on the Normandy again.

Getting out of the shower, James reached for a towel, wrapping it around his waist without bothering to dry off first. He felt bone-tired, more than ready to catch some sleep. With a sigh, he gathered up his sweaty fatigues from where they were lying in a crumpled heap on the floor and dropped them in the fancy laundry chute thoughtfully provided by the Cerberus engineers. It was only when the lid snapped shut that he realized he'd forgotten to bring a change of clothes. _Mierda!_

He looked down at himself, forcing his tired brain to come up with a solution. Ah, well. It wasn't so bad. He would sneak a look out, make sure no one was around and dash over to the elevator. Once he was down in the Shuttle Bay, it was only a few steps to his own private corner. Esteban would probably spot him and give him an earful, but he could deal with that.

His plan made up, he opened the door just a tiny crack and peered around the corner. All clear. And he was in luck. The elevator's panel showed that it was on his floor - no waiting. Taking a deep breath, he tightened the towel around his hips, let the door slide open and ran.

He made it to the elevator without interference. Leaning back against the closing doors with a grateful exhale, he reached for the controls, ready to head straight for the Shuttle Bay - and froze in place when they lit up just before he touched them. _Priority override. Captain's Cabin._ James swallowed. _Oh shit!_ The elevator whizzed smoothly upward, leaving him no time to come up with any sort of strategy. Before he even knew what was happening, the door slid open again, and he was face to face with his commanding officer.

He'd been through a few tight spots with Susannah Shepard, and he knew she wasn't easily flustered. But when her eyes lit upon him, her mouth dropped open in a perfect o-shape. "James? What the blazing-" She shook her head in disbelief. "I hope you have a damn good explanation for this, Lieutenant!"

His face felt so hot he just knew he was blushing like an Asari maiden. "Commander, I... look, I was in the shower and I forgot to bring-"

She rolled her sky-blue eyes impatiently. "Never mind. What do we do now?"

"Well, I was just going to go down to the Bay and-"

"You can't." Shepard's hand flew up to her mouth, whether to hide a smile or to stifle a shocked cry, he wasn't sure. "The Quarian admirals will arrive there any moment now. I was on my way to greet them." She cleared her throat. "And I don't think it would go down well if I do so with a half-naked marine at my side."

 _Shit, shit, shit._ James didn't know what to say. "Lola, I..."

"Don't you _dare_ call me Lola now, James!" Shepard's lips were thin with furious determination, and he could see she was thinking fast.

 _"Commander. The admirals' shuttle has just arrived. You'd better get down there quickly, or there might be a diplomatic incident."_ Was there an undertone of amusement in EDI's voice over the intercom?

"I'll be there." Shepard huffed in exasperation. "Lieutenant. In there." She gestured toward her cabin. "And stay in there until I tell you to get out. That's an order."

He stumbled over the threshold, too stunned to speak. The elevator doors were already closing, and so was the door behind him. "Holy hell!" He grabbed for the controls, but they lit up a bright red.

 _"Sorry, Lieutenant. Commander's orders. You are to stay here until she tells you otherwise."_ Yup. Definitely amused. EDI was enjoying this far too much.

With a colourful curse, he turned to look around. He'd only been here once, when he'd talked to Shepard about joining the N7 programme. The place was pretty impressive, with the giant aquarium and the elegant leather couch. Not his kind of place, though. And anyway, it was hard to relax knowing you were in your commanding officer's quarters wearing nothing but a towel.

Gingerly, he sat down on the couch, trying to get comfortable among the padded cushions. They _were_ nice and soft. And he was really tired. He wondered how long it would take Shepard to come back. Maybe he ought to try and persuade EDI to let him out. She could even make sure he wouldn't run into anyone else. Or maybe he should... A huge yawn escaped him. Some part of his brain protested that he needed to stay awake, but now that the adrenaline was wearing off, the exhaustion hit him at full strength. Before he knew it, his head sank down on a soft pillow and his eyes fell shut.

* * *

Susannah Shepard made her way up to her cabin silently cursing the day that lay behind her. The mission had been taxing enough, but the negotiations afterwards had been worse. Try as she might, she didn't really get along well with Quarians. Talking to a mask, without the clues provided by facial expressions, was hard for a visual person like her. Sure, body language and nuances of tone were a big help, and she _was_ getting better at this, but God, it was exhausting.

Inside her cabin, she headed straight for the showers, eager to wash off the sweat and the nastier memories. As she turned on the spray, she briefly wished Cerberus had thought of adding a tub to the cabin's many luxuries. What she wouldn't give for a long hot soak now! She showered quickly but thoroughly and slipped on her old nightshirt. It was just an oversized white T-shirt really, with a faded Blasto logo, and it was worn and frayed in places, the fabric soft from many washings.

Yawning, she walked down the steps toward her bed, automatically reaching for the remote to dim the lights down and switch on some relaxing music. Stretching lazily she turned to face the couch - and only just bit back her cry of surprise.

 _James! Oh God, I'd completely forgotten about him!_ She hadn't really considered her choice of words when she'd told him to stay and wait for her return, but yes, of course. He was just following her orders. And he must have been knackered, considering how he'd thrown himself into the fight earlier today. She smiled fondly at the memory.

He was sleeping on his back, his powerful body stretched out with abandon. The towel had slid up a little, just barely preserving his modesty, and Susannah unconsciously licked her lips. Such an amazing body, all sculpted muscle and smooth, flawless skin, enhanced by his tattoos. She'd always been curious how far they went and whether he had any on his chest and back as well. She took a step closer to satisfy her curiosity, but right then his eyes snapped open, immediately widening in shocked surprise.

"Commander. Oh God, I'm so sorry." He scrambled to pull down the towel, his face heating up in one of those adorable blushes.

Just like him, really. For all his flirting and his big mouth, he'd always retreated at the last minute so far, much to her disappointment. Despite their obvious attraction to each other he had insisted on keeping things "professional." It seemed ridiculous in view of everything going on around them, but of course she would respect his wishes. Or so she told herself.

Yet she couldn't help but notice how hard he was trying to keep his eyes on her face. If she wasn't very much mistaken, he was fighting a losing battle. She stretched slowly and deliberately, and sure enough his gaze travelled downward, taking in her barely covered body and her long, naked legs. Her nipples hardened against the thin fabric of the shirt, and he swallowed audibly. _Maybe tonight..._

"Like what you see, James?" Susannah almost winced. Her husky voice sounded strange to herself, and the line was cheesy at best. She really had to do better. God, when was the last time she'd even tried to seduce anyone?

"I..." He was blushing even more now, but he stayed where he was, as if glued to the couch. She did her best to hold back a smug grin when she realized he probably couldn't get up without embarrassing himself even further.

"It's alright, LT." She stepped even closer, trailing a finger lightly down his chest. "So do I."

He gasped at her touch, but at the same time he caught her hand firmly. "Lola... Commander. We can't. There's regs and-"

"Fuck them." Susannah flinched when she realized how abrupt she sounded. "Look, James." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. "I like you a lot. And I want you. Besides... the way things are, with the Reapers and everything else, none of us may be alive in few months. Don't you think we're a little past worrying about regs?"

He closed his eyes, shuddering all over, letting go of her wrist. "If you put it like that... Do you really want me?"

"God, yes." She couldn't resist any longer. Dropping on her knees, she ran her hand up his strong thigh and slipped it under the towel, keeping a careful eye on his reaction.

He moaned when her fingers closed around him, his hips bucking up sharply. Oh, but he felt _nice_. Thick and hard, and so warm! Touching him sent a rush of heat to her core. Bending down, Susannah carefully pushed the towel aside and placed a soft kiss on his hot skin.

"Lola! Damn it, you-" James hands were in her hair, tugging impatiently at her braid. "Please."

She smiled to herself. Without letting go of him, she reached up with her other hand and quickly untied her hair. When it fell around her face like a golden curtain, he made a strangled noise, somewhere between awe and lust. "God, I've wanted to see you like this forever."

"Like this?" With a mischievous smile, she slid higher, straddling him and grabbing the hem of her shirt in both hands. "Or like this?"

He gasped again when she yanked off the shirt, revealing she was naked underneath, but his eyes took on a determined gleam. Firm, strong hands grabbed her waist and then he was kissing her, and she nearly forgot how to breathe. Those full, warm lips were doing things to her that she couldn't explain. God, when had she ever been kissed like this before, with such single-minded focus and devotion? It was addictive.

She couldn't get enough of his mouth on hers until he moved deeper and found her nipples, sucking gently, then flicking his tongue against the sensitive buds. Within moments, she was keening with lust, grinding herself against him, and he pulled back with a stuttering breath.

"Wait a minute." Taking several deep breaths, he held her at arm's length, struggling for control. " _Dios_ , you feel so good."

One of his large hands wandered up her thigh, and she opened up willingly for him, trembling with lust when he slid a finger deep inside her heat. "So wet for me." There was pride in his voice, and something almost like reverence, and it made her throat go tight.

"Only for you," she whispered in his ear, and he went taut under her hands again.

"Please." He lay back, pulling her with him. "I need-"

She nodded, stroking his cheek with infinite gentleness. Catching his eye, she pushed herself up a bit, then carefully lowered herself down on his hard shaft. God, he felt so good! So big that he was stretching her a little, a faint burn that made the feeling of being full all the more delicious.

And all the time she was drowning in his gaze, revelling in the sincere affection and admiration she could see there. She moved her hips, slowly and carefully, but even that tiny motion made it more than clear neither of them would last long. He whined softly, unable to keep his hips still, and she was shaking all over with need. When she repeated the motion, the muscles in his stomach went taut as ropes and his hand went up to her neck, pulling her into another long, deep kiss.

" _Déjame_... let me." His mouth against hers, he started a slow rhythm, his hips moving upward in small, steady thrusts that drove her insane.

She was getting hazy at this point, and unsure of what exactly she was whispering in his ears, probably begging him not to stop, to take her harder, deeper, faster. Whatever it was, his eyes went dark at her words. Without apparent effort, he flipped her over, spreading her wide and then he began to move in earnest.

Susannah cried out with delight when he found the perfect spot inside her and held her firmly in place, hitting it over and over until she screamed again, overcome with a pleasure so intense she nearly passed out. He kept going for a few more thrusts, then she felt him join her, trembling all over with the force of his orgasm.

"Good?" There was a hint of insecurity in his voice when he began to pull back and she instinctively locked her legs around his waist, drawing him back in.

"Perfect." She tapped her finger lightly against his lips, enjoying his renewed blush. "We should have done this a long time ago. Don't you agree?"

He didn't reply, but the smile spreading over his face was answer enough. 

 


	2. If That's What It Takes

**Chapter 2 - If That's What It Takes**

There was a moment of disorientation as he woke up, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. The star field behind the skylight over him, stretching into the infinite distance of space, the big bed, the fluorescent light of the aquarium, Shepard's intoxicating scent all around him... James' eyes flew wide open as the events of the last night came back to him, flooding his mind with a mixture of embarrassment and awe.

 _Shepard_. He'd slept with Commander Shepard. The woman he'd admired forever, first from afar, then with new intensity as soon as he'd met her. It would take some time to wrap his mind around the thought that she had actually wanted _him_ , James Vega, wanted to be with him, make love to him. And yet it had happened, and it had been all he'd ever dreamed of, and more. His heart sped up at the thought, whether from arousal or from anxiety he wasn't sure.

 _Shepard_. _Lola._ Only now did it register that he was alone in her bed. She was nowhere to be seen. Propping himself up on his elbows, he looked around the room, until he finally detected a small sliver of light coming from the door to the bathroom. _Mystery solved, I guess._

Last night, after they'd made love, he'd held her tight until she'd nearly fallen asleep in his arms. Then he'd carefully picked her up and carried her over to the bed, ready to sneak out of the room. She'd refused to let him go, though, pulling him down to her side, holding on to him until he too had succumbed to sleep again. He glanced over at the bedside clock. Six o'clock. He'd spent the whole night in her bed, in her arms. And now...

Before he could make up his mind on what to do, the bathroom door swished open and Shepard walked toward him, naked and completely unselfconscious. Her body was trim and muscular, probably too much so for most men's tastes, but he adored it, her taut, flat stomach, her strong arms and legs. Compared to him, she still looked almost petite, but he wasn't fooled. He had felt her strength last night, and he remembered their little scuffle in the Shuttle Bay all too well. With her superior speed and agility, she could easily take him, if she wanted to.

James watched her face anxiously, ready to pick up on any sign that she wanted him gone, but she was smiling happily at him, running her eyes appreciatively over his prone body. "James. Bathroom's all yours, if you need it."

He nodded and made his way there, inhaling her scent in passing, almost stopping in his tracks when the memories of the past night assailed him with full force. Her lips, her hands on him, her heat surrounding him... Yet, he needed to take care of his body's demands first, and it didn't seem as if she was in a hurry to get dressed.

But as he stepped under the shower, the doubts were back. Was she just too polite to throw him out? He'd seen her smile through enough tedious meetings to know she could hide her feelings if she wanted to. And in all probability, last night had been nothing more than a brief distraction for her. _Get real, man. She's Commander Shepard. She was tired and needed someone to take her mind off things, but that's all there is to it._ And yet, the way she'd looked at him last night when they'd made love had been anything but casual. And what she'd said... He recalled her words with perfect clarity. _I like you James, a lot._

 _Like_ , not _love_ _. Big difference._ He sighed, turning off the spray. Reaching for a big, fluffy towel, he made up his mind. He'd kiss her good-bye, apologize once more for the mishap in the elevator and then return to his quarters, with or without clothes. Being involved with her would mean far too many complications, for both of them.

His resolution held up until the moment when he approached the bed and found her snuggled under the covers, smiling up at him.

"James. Come back to bed." Her voice held none of the seductive purr it had last night, just warmth and a hint of humour, yet it made his throat go tight with want and affection.

More than anything he wanted to join her, hold her, make love to her again. Yet he forced himself to speak. "Are you sure you don't want me to leave? I should-"

"You don't have any clothes," she pointed out in a completely serious voice, but there was a definite twinkle in her eyes. She sat up a little and the blanket slipped down, revealing her shoulders and the top of her breasts.

James swallowed hard. "True. But Lola, we need to talk." He sat down on the edge of the bed. "I need to know where we are going from here. Whether we are going anywhere."

A small frown appeared on her face, but then she reached out for his chin and made him look at her. "Where do you want us to go, James?"

He licked his lips nervously. "I... Lola, last night was..." He realized he was stammering and took a deep breath. "You have no idea how long I've dreamt of you."

"And now that your dream has come true?" Her face was unreadable, but there was a hint of a tremble in her voice, betraying an insecurity he hadn't expected.

He decided to throw all caution to the wind. "I don't want it to end." It came out as barely more than a whisper, but her face lit up at his words.

"Oh, James." She kissed him softly. "You are such a sweetheart. And trust me I don't either." She sighed. "But it's going to be difficult, you know. Outside this cabin, I'll still be your commander. You'll have to follow my orders, without question. And there can't be any PDA, no matter how much we want to."

He nodded, though his heart felt heavy. "I understand. No one will hear about it from me, ma'am."

"That's not-" She shook her head vigorously. "God, no, James! That's not what I meant at all. You're not my guilty little secret, and I don't care who else knows what we're doing here." She made a face. "Half the ship has probably guessed at it already anyway. They're not stupid."

It was only when the air left his lungs with a sudden rush that he realized he'd been holding his breath. He opened his mouth to speak, but she silenced him with a finger to his lips. "Enough talking for now. We can sort it all out later, _cariño_." He raised an astonished eyebrow at the Spanish endearment, but she just laughed. "Later. I have about an hour before I need to be back on the bridge. Any ideas on what we could do?"

He didn't need to be asked twice. "Lots of ideas, _mi ángel_."

 

* * *

Before she knew what was happening, James had yanked the blanket aside, and his lips were trailing hot kisses all the way down her body. Susannah arched into his touch with a giddy laugh. She hadn't felt so happy, so much at ease in a man's company for years. _Not even-_ _But no. Stop it, Susannah. Not now._ She brushed aside all thoughts of Kaidan, focussing on the man here in her bed, on the things he was doing to her body, on the pleasant tingle all over her skin at his touch.

Looking down on him, Susannah watched him fondly, admiring the strong line of his shoulders, the intriguing pattern of his tattoos, and the single-minded focus in his posture. Just then he glanced up at her, catching her gaze as he spread her legs wide and dipped his head between them.

There was no way to hold back her cry when his tongue found her heat. "James! Oh yes, don't stop."

She almost felt him smile against her, but he complied willingly, tracing every fold of her with his tongue before thrusting it deep inside her. Susannah hardly recognized the sounds she made. It felt so good, so gloriously good, and it had been so long. He took his time to pleasure her, teasing her to the brink of ecstasy, even though she could feel his want. It was almost unbearable, yet so sweet that she was helpless to stop him

But then his swirling tongue hit a particularly sensitive spot, almost sending her over the edge, and she realized she had to put a stop to this if she wanted more. "James. Inside me. Now!"

She wasn't aware she'd used the voice she normally reserved for commands, until she felt his reaction to it. Without a moment's hesitation, he slid up between her legs and buried himself up to the hilt inside her. If she hadn't been more than ready for him, it would have been too much, but she was so worked up, so hungry for him that all she managed was a hoarse cry before she clenched hard around him. He responded with a guttural moan, his hands grabbing the folds of the blanket hard as he fought to keep control.

Susannah almost didn't care. She was too far gone, waves of lust washing all through her body, her skin alive with pleasure. But then his lips found hers in a long, deep kiss, passionate and tender at the same time. She could taste herself on his lips, see the utter devotion in his eyes, and the perfection of it all brought tears to her eyes.

"Shhh, Lola." Gently, he wiped them off with his thumb, kissing her softly, just holding her for a moment, until she had calmed down.

When he started moving again, she was grateful for his earlier restraint, because she didn't want it to be over so quickly. His length inside her, his arms holding her tight, the expression on his face as he moved above her... She wished it would last forever, wished she could hold on to the moment, but of course it did end eventually. Not before he'd brought her over a second time, though, screaming his name and raking her nails down his back.

She clung to him afterwards, for a few more precious minutes, until a glance at the clock reminded her it was time to get ready for another day. His face was almost comically embarrassed when he realized he still didn't have any clothes to put on.

"Wait here." She slipped on her uniform and kissed his cheek. "Just tell me where you keep your stuff and I'll be back in a moment."

He blushed at this. "In my chest, under the workbench. But-"

"Don't worry." She was already at the door, flashing a wicked smile back at him. "It's no trouble. Priority override, remember?"

The elevator ride was uneventful, thank God. Susannah bit back a grin at the thought of how last night might have played out if she hadn't called the elevator up in time. The thought of Admiral Xen's reaction when she came mask to face with a half-naked James nearly sent her into a bout of hysterical giggles. _Who knows? Maybe she'd use him as the blueprint for a synthetic super soldier._

Down in the Shuttle Bay, Susannah quickly grabbed a change of clothes for James, noting with approval that his clothes were immaculately clean and neatly folded. She chose briefs, fatigues and a tight white t-shirt, smiling to herself at the thought of how sexy he would look in it. _Face it, Susannah. You've got it bad._

She was almost back at the elevator when she ran into Steve.

He raised a suggestive eyebrow at the bundle of clothes in her hands, but pointedly refrained from commenting until she planted herself in front of him, raising her chin defiantly.

"Well?" She didn't miss the way his lips twitched at the sight of her belligerent expression. "Anything you wish to say, Lieutenant?"

He snapped to attention. "Nothing, Commander." But when she nodded, a slow smile spread over his face and he cleared his throat. "Only that I'm glad. It was about time he got his head far enough out of his ass to act upon his feelings."

She felt heat rising in her cheeks and dropped her gaze. "Yeah, well. There were... unforeseeable circumstances. Involving the Quarian admirals."

Steve was grinning openly now. "One day, you'll have to tell me the whole story, Commander."

"Dream on." She snorted. "You'd have to get me drunk to make me."

His grin widened. "If that's what it takes."

 


	3. Good and Bad Advice

**Chapter 3 – Good and Bad Advice**

Garrus was leaning against the bar counter, his face grim. Or maybe that was just the default turian expression. "You will take good care of her."

James groaned in mock desperation. "Garrus! Not you too!" During the past twenty-four hours, it seemed as if every single member of the crew had approached him in a similar manner. "But to answer your question, yes, I will. I promise."

The turian nodded, his expression unchanged. "It wasn't a question. I'm sure you're perfectly aware of what will happen to you if you don't."

James raised his hands in a gesture of pure defensiveness. "Yes. Everyone's made that abundantly clear to me. Liara sounded pretty vicious, actually. Heck, even Joker told me he'd have my head if I hurt her." He sighed. "Look. I get it. You all care about her."

"We do. She's been hurt before and she doesn't need that now." Garrus' tone was serious, his sub-vocals humming with some kind of emotion. Pity? Anger? "Shepard… I never thought I could be friends with a human, but she's taught me otherwise. There's no Shepard without Vakarian, remember that."

"Yeah, yeah." James was beginning to feel a little nervous. "But the two of you never-"

"Hell, no!" Garrus shook his head. "Well, there was that one time when we were both kinda tense and seriously considered blowing off some steam together. We even watched a few extranet vids together, tried to sort out how it would work." He made a curious noise. "Seemed a lot more trouble than it was worth, though, so we left it at that."

Garrus' mandibles twitched. Was that a smile? A grin even? James was never quite sure where turians were concerned. _Shepard would know._

 

* * *

_Why do people always assume I know everything?_ Susannah sighed deeply. The warm buzzing in her stomach that had accompanied her all through the day and night, a pleasant reminder of the night spent in James' arms, was rapidly fading, replaced by an all-too-familiar sense of emotional fatigue.

An hour ago Traynor had casually approached her with a request for help from Admiral Hackett. A Cerberus base on Noveria needed to be dealt with, and soon.

Traynor hadn't really been forthcoming with details about the proposed mission. "You've been there before, haven't you?"

Susannah rolled her eyes. _As if I could recall every little thing about every planet I've seen over the years!_ Sure, fighting Matriarch Benezia had been memorable. But back then they had landed at a regular spaceport, and she hadn't actually seen much of Noveria except for Port Hanshan and the Peak 15 facility. All she remembered was that it had been pretty damn cold.

This time they would go straight for the Cerberus fighter base, hidden somewhere in the back of beyond. She tried to focus on the mission briefing in her journal, attempting to come up with a strategy, but there really wasn't much to go on. If only she had a better idea what to expect!

Susannah hated going into any situation unprepared, even if it was just a routine assignment. She prided herself on being ready for every eventuality. Maybe Hackett would have some advice once she got him on the intercom. In the meantime, she needed to assemble her squad. Kaidan and James could do with a bit of rest after the tough fight on the Geth Dreadnought. She decided to take Garrus. It was always good to have him at her back. She would need a biotic, too, Liara maybe, or Javik. In moments like this, she really missed Miranda. She would have been perfect for this mission.

As for the weapons-

She sighed when she realized she'd messed up her hair by tearing at it. Shaking it out, she braided it again, making sure no strand escaped, then threw the braid back over her shoulder and straightened her shoulders. Time to go.

 

* * *

 

James wasn't particularly hungry. As a matter of fact, he had even considered skipping lunch altogether. Then again, he had already worked out for an hour or two, had a nice chat with Esteban in the shower, and checked all his gear thoroughly. What else was there to do, while they were waiting for Shepard to return?

She had left for Noveria with Garrus and Javik early in the morning, set to take out yet another Cerberus base. He missed her, but he wasn't overly worried about her. From the sound of it, it was a routine assignment, and he expected her back soon.

He quickly scanned the menu before picking one of the dishes from the mess hall's counter. While the quality of the food was better than on most ships he'd served on, it was still nothing to write home about, and he suppressed a wistful sigh at the memory of his _abuela's_ cooking. If he ever got enough shore leave again, he'd take Shepard there for a decent meal.

Not that he was even sure she'd appreciate it. Lola was a spacer kid through and through. She had spent all her childhood on board various ships and space stations, eating variations on nutrient paste. The thought of the face she'd make at the sight of a proper burrito casserole, spicy and creamy, with refried beans and real beef, made him chuckle to himself.

"Pleasant thoughts, Lieutenant?" There was a cool edge to Major Alenko's voice as he took his place in line behind James.

"Just memories of home, sir." James kept his voice carefully neutral.

He didn't know what to make of the major, if he was quite honest. Of course he admired his achievements and abilities. Alenko was an incredibly powerful biotic, one of the finest Alliance officers, the second human Spectre – without doubt a man deserving of his respect. He was also Shepard's former lover.

She hadn't really mentioned him so far, but James had read her dossier, back when he was guarding her on Earth, and he knew she'd been involved with Alenko before her… death. He also knew it was over between them, well and truly over. He didn't need a dossier to tell him. No one could possibly miss the strained tone of their interactions, nor the cold distance in her voice. And yet she'd agreed to have the major back on her ship. James sighed, wondering when would be a good time to raise the topic with her.

Choosing a table, he plunked his tray down on it and pulled up a chair.

"Mind if I join you?" Alenko's voice, and right behind him.

James nearly jumped. "Not at all, sir."

He cursed himself the moment Alenko sat down opposite him. He _did_ mind. He didn't feel comfortable in the man's company. His own relationship with Susannah Shepard was still far too new, too fragile. Still, there was really no polite way out of this situation, so he did his best to stay civil.

"That was a bad business on Benning, don't you think, sir?" Kaidan's biotics had helped him out of a tough spot, when Shepard had taken them both along on that particular mission a while ago. Yet James regretted words the moment they left his lips. Anything involving Cerberus was probably _not_ a safe topic of conversation.

The major's scarred lip curved up in the ghost of a smirk. "Yes. It's always unpleasant if civilians get targeted. Not much of a surprise for anyone who's had dealings with the Illusive Man before, though."

James nodded, avoiding the other man's gaze. "I'm sure Commander Shepard thought the same."

Alenko leaned back in his seat. He took his time to answer, chewing slowly first, then wiping his mouth with his napkin. "Ah, yes. Shepard. Yes, I'm sure she knew exactly what to expect."

The bitterness in his voice made James flinch. "The Commander has severed all her ties with Cerberus, Major. We had her under constant surveillance for months. There's no way she could have-"

"Oh, I have no doubt you watched her _closely_ , Lieutenant." Alenko's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Be careful, though. She might be a bit more than you can handle."

James inhaled slowly, trying to keep calm. "I don't recall asking for your advice, _sir_."

"And yet you'd be wise to take it." Another bitter laugh. "Don't ever fool yourself into thinking you've got her sorted out, Lieutenant. She'll always have a surprise up her sleeve. I don't think I ever understood her."

James nodded slowly. "I don't claim to understand her either, sir. But maybe I don't need to."

Alenko huffed, a provocative smirk on his lips. "So that's the way it is. You'll be a good boy, never questioning her decisions. Not even when she leaves you up here and goes off fighting, preferring others over you?"

"That's not the way I see it. Shepard chooses the ideal squad for each mission, depending on the parameters. That's all there is to it." James felt anger rising within him. "Look, sir, I don't know what game you're playing here." He got up, what little appetite he'd had all but gone. "All _I_ know is the Commander is one hell of a woman, and she has a lot on her plate. Anything I can do to help her, I will."

The major gave him a surprised look, all the sarcasm suddenly gone. "You sound serious about her."

 _So that's your game? You're trying to rile me up, see if I'm good enough for her?_ And yet, Alenko had sounded genuinely mad at Shepard only moments earlier. _Maybe he doesn't know himself what this is about. But either way, he's out of line._

James realized he was past caring about consequences. Taking another deep breath, he pulled himself up to his full height, towering over the major. "You bet I am serious. And you know what? Don't _you_ dare give me the _don't-hurt-her_ talk, Alenko! You of all people have no right to do that." He felt his hands clench into fists. "Garrus told me about Horizon. You deserted her, back there. You have no call to act all jealous and protective now."

Alenko's mouth opened briefly, but then snapped shut again, his eyes flashing with hurt. James left before the man could get his act together again. He knew this was a hollow victory at best, but he didn't have it in him to regret his words. _About time somebody told him!_

 

* * *

Susannah squinted over Joker's shoulder, trying to make sense of the Normandy's readings. On returning from Noveria, she'd been all but frozen through and thoroughly sick of wasting her time on yet another shady Cerberus operation.

And yet she had grudgingly agreed to take a detour to the Hades Nexus before their next mission, recalling the promises she'd made to a few people on the Citadel. They were looking for various important artefacts, but she wasn't really optimistic they would find anything. It was rather like poking around in a planet-sized haystack, in the hopes of finding a tiny Prothean needle. _I should have told them to go and try their hand at a little exploration of their own!_ Irritably she pulled on the end of her braid.

"So… you and the beefcake, eh?" Joker shot her a quick look. "None of my business, of course."

"Oh, come off it, Joker." She dropped into the empty co-pilot's chair with a sigh. "God knows, you've stuck with me long enough to count as a friend, so feel free to speak your mind."

"True." He grinned happily. "You stole the Normandy, got blown up by the Collectors and took us on a suicide mission to the galactic core, and I haven't mutinied once! Anyway, Vega is alright, I guess. Though I'd have expected you to be a bit stricter regarding the regs. If I'd known earlier, maybe…"

Susannah raised an eyebrow. "Really? I don't think so. As for the regs… just between the two of us, I used to be more worried about things like this, but really, what's the point?" Gazing out into the star field before them, she spoke quietly, almost under her breath. "If we don't get our act together there'll be no one left to hold up Alliance rules and regulations anyway."

"Ouch!" Joker flinched. "I think I liked it better when you still believed in the possibility of being court-martialled."

"You're right. Maybe we shouldn't give up on _all_ the rules just yet." Susannah quickly schooled her face into her usual optimistic smile, cursing her brief unguarded moment. "But honestly, I think Admiral Hackett has other things to worry about than my love life."

"Well, I for one am not going to testify against you." Joker smiled reassuringly.

Susannah snorted. "You'd hardly be in a position to do so. At least my boyfriend is 100 percent pure human, no Reaper tech involved."

"Your point being?" The pilot's tone was bone-dry. "I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the regulations to prevent me from dating my ship."

"No, I guess there isn't." Susannah had a hard time hiding her affectionate grin. "So the two of you are still good?"

Joker shrugged. "Why wouldn't we be? EDI's smart, she's funny, and she's into spaceships. As far as I'm concerned she's perfect." He glanced up at her, suddenly serious. "And about Vega… I'm glad things worked out for you for once, Commander. All that Reaper crap must be tough sometimes. Even a badass like you needs someone to lean on once in a while."

Susannah got up to leave, stretching as she did so. _Time for a quick work-out._ "Maybe you're right. Thanks, Joker."

"Always a pleasure to help." His grin was back in place. "See ya, Commander!"


	4. Anything That Helps

**Chapter 4 – Anything That Helps**

James felt good. The adrenaline of the past fight was still buzzing through his veins, and he felt strong enough to take on a Reaper all by himself. When Shepard had agreed to take him along on the mission to Arrae, he'd been sincerely grateful. It was always neat to kick Cerberus ass, and doubly gratifying to know they had saved the scientists and their families from whatever fate the Illusive Man had had in store for them.

Dealing with the Assault Troopers hadn't actually been much of a challenge, not with Shepard and Kaidan blasting most of them to smithereens with their tech and biotic abilities before he even had a chance to shoot. But it had been a good, clean fight, facing actual enemy troops and none of the monstrosities that were becoming all too familiar by now.

He headed up to Shepard's cabin with a spring in his step. Watching her down there had brought all the old feelings back, the awe and admiration he'd felt for her ever since he was a young marine, out on his first assignment, with a Normandy badge pinned to his uniform. And now he was on his way to her quarters, where she was waiting for him. For _him_. James did his best to fight back the goofy grin that wanted to spread over his face, but there was no way he could stop his heart from beating faster at the mere thought of her. _Lola_.

She didn't waste much time when he got there, stripping off her uniform with practised ease, sighing with relief as she unclasped her bra and tossed it into a corner. He scrambled to get out of his clothes, but when he took off his t-shirt, she stopped him with a frown, approaching him from behind.

"You didn't tell me you got hurt?" Her hand traced a gash on his back, and she made a small, distressed noise at the sight of his bloodied shirt.

"It's just a scratch." He craned his neck to see it, flinching in pain when she poked at the wound. He hadn't even noticed it under the shower, still too high on excitement and danger. "It will heal."

Shepard snorted briefly. "Yeah? It will heal a lot faster with a little medi-gel. And you won't bleed all over my sheets if we take proper care of it now."

She turned with a sigh. "Your shirt is a mess. Though if I pop it in the chute right away, maybe the blood will come out." Her expression was sceptical, though. "In the meantime, take a look in the bedside drawer. There should be a small tube of medi-gel in there, if I remember correctly."

He dropped on the bed, stomach down to avoid messing up the sheets, and just barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Really, no one would believe him if he told them how fastidious the famous Commander Shepard could be about her linens. Her bedside drawer was neat too, with everything nicely stacked, but he couldn't find any 'gel there, so he decided to check the second drawer.

And sure enough, there was a tiny tube with the familiar logo. He was about to pick it up when his gaze fell on something else. Something he hadn't expected at all.

"Got the medi-gel?" She was right behind him, leaning over his shoulder and reaching for the tube, but then her gaze followed his, and she wrinkled her small nose, making her freckles dance.

_She's cute when she does that._

"Oh. I'd forgotten that was there."

She seemed slightly embarrassed, but not overly so, so he decided to be bold, reaching out for the toy and taking it from the drawer. "I didn't think you'd go for turquoise."

"James!" She lightly boxed him in the ribs, but he hardly felt the pain as she chose the same moment to apply the gel to his wound, then pushed together the edges to help it seal.

He distracted himself by inspecting the toy further. Apart from its vibrant colour it was fairly… naturalistic. A more than decent size, though. And judging from the controls, an impressive number of settings.

"What's the matter, James? Never seen any of those?" Shepard seemed to have gotten over her initial embarrassment and she sounded distinctly amused now. "I was alone for a long time, you know. A girl needs some stress relief." She patted his shoulder. "There. As good as new. You can roll over now."

He did, but he didn't let go of his find. "So… should I feel threatened, Lola?"

When she raised a surprised eyebrow, he elaborated further. "I'm not quite sure I can compete with _this_."

"Really?" He could see her bite back a laugh. "I believe someone is fishing for compliments here." A familiar gleam appeared in her eyes. "But hey, I'm happy to oblige."

Before he could react, she had already hooked her fingers into the elastic of his briefs and pulled them down, whistling softly at the sight of him, already more than half erect. Without hesitation, she bowed down and wrapped her lips around him, gazing up at him with a twinkle in her eyes. He felt her tongue flick against him once, twice, before she let go of him and licked a warm stripe along the underside of his length. And just like that, he was fully hard.

"So you're worried I'd prefer this to you?" She indicated the vibrator with a quick tilt of her head. "Tell me, why would I do this?" He could feel her breath against his skin, the long strands of her honey-blond hair brushing against his belly. "Why would I prefer a lump of silicone to a lovely, big, hard cock like yours?"

When she took him in her mouth again, her right hand gently cupping his balls while the left closed around his shaft, he was struggling to keep himself from thrusting up hard. "Lola! Damn it!" He took several deep breaths, trying to calm down, but then his eyes fell on the toy, still in his hands, and an idea began to form in his mind.

"I don't know. Maybe it feels nice…" Carefully, he stretched out on the bed next to her, pulling her legs close toward him so he had full access to her, spreading her thighs gently.

She didn't let go of his cock, didn't cease her caresses, but when he touched the head of the vibrator to her slick folds, she gasped audibly around him.

"It does, doesn't it?" He pushed deeper, not bothering with the controls, just filling her slowly, until the toy was almost fully lodged inside her.

It was hard to concentrate on what he was doing with her lips still hot around him, but he wasn't about to get distracted now. He blew softly against her hot skin, then began lapping at her, slowly and patiently. It didn't take much to make her come apart. When she began to whimper, he pressed his tongue flat against her throbbing clit. The effect was immediate and immensely satisfying. With a hoarse cry, she bucked up under him, her muscles clenching around the toy so hard that it nearly slid out of her. Her head flew back as she thrashed under him, and despite the loss of her warm mouth he felt heady with triumph.

"James… God, that was-" Her eyes were half-closed with pleasure, and her voice had a dreamy, far-away quality.

He did his best not to appear too impatient, but she didn't let him wait for long anyway. Within moments, she sat up, a glint in her eyes. And then her mouth was back, and now that she could actually focus on what she was doing, she took him to the edge in record time. Her lips, her tongue, the tiny touches of her fingers, all combined to reduce his world to one blinding point of focus, so sweet, so unbearably poignant. He came with such force that he forgot all about warning her, came right into her willing mouth, shuddering with the power of it. She swallowed it all, without making a fuss about it, licking him clean and then letting go of him, gently stroking his trembling flesh.

For a while he felt as if he was drifting through the stars with her, here in this bed under the skylight, torn loose from the world surrounding them. She was humming softly, her head heavy on his thigh, her scent surrounding him. For once, the world seemed perfect.

 

* * *

Susannah could hardly believe how good the sex had felt. Of course she wasn't an innocent. Since she'd enlisted with the Alliance at the age of eighteen, she'd had more than her share of lovers, and she'd always been willing to experiment. But this… Somehow it was different with James, in a way she couldn't quite explain.

Part of it was how eager he was to please her, how much effort he put into making it just right for her. But at least as intoxicating was the knowledge of what she was doing to him, the realization that she was the fulfilment of every dream of his, every fantasy he'd ever had. None of her other lovers had ever made her feel like that, not even Kaidan, and she was sure he'd genuinely been in love with her.

She didn't really want to think of Kaidan, though, not when James had just sent her into one of the most mind-blowing orgasms of her life. Stretching voluptuously, she wondered idly whether she would be able to get up and fetch something to drink. It didn't seem likely. Her knees felt soft and shaky, and her lower belly was still pulsating with lust.

 _Commander. Admiral Anderson on the intercom. He says to hurry. No idea how long the line will hold._ And just like this she was on her feet.

"Give me a minute, EDI." With an affectionate glance at James, who was still lying flat on his back, taking up most of the bed, she reached for her tracksuit. _Probably best if it looks as if I've been working out._ She gathered her hair in a ponytail and briefly glanced into the bedside mirror. It would do. She looked a bit dishevelled and her cheeks were heated, but Anderson would probably attribute her colour to an intense session in the gym.

Moments later she was behind her desk, snapping to attention at the familiar sight of the Admiral. He smiled when he saw her, his fatherly smile, kind but firm, that always made her feel like a naughty child. _Well, you have been pretty naughty, Susannah._ Suppressing a cheeky grin, she greeted him with a nod. "Admiral."

"Shepard. Good to see you're keeping in shape." Anderson's tone was brisk and terse, even more so than usual. "Do you have a minute to talk?"

"I always have time for you, Admiral." Susannah felt her throat go tight at the thought of Anderson, back there on Earth, with the Reapers tearing everything to pieces. "What's the matter?"

"Hackett told me you had a run-in with that bastard Kai Leng a while ago. Be careful, Shepard. He is very dangerous and his arrogance knows no bounds. If you've thwarted his plans once, he will be after you." Anderson looked genuinely worried.

"Thank you, sir." Susannah cleared her throat. "I appreciate you taking the risk, just to warn me."

He chuckled. "That's fine, Shepard. It's good to see you, actually. Good to talk to someone from outside too."

She nodded. "How are things going?"

"Not good, Shepard." He sighed. "Not good. But we're surviving so far, and the news we get from you give us hope. Every little thing helps, you know. Every ally you gain, every politician you persuade."

"Anything I can do, sir." Susannah hoped he couldn't see her blush. Suddenly what she and James had been doing seemed incredibly frivolous.

Just then, Anderson raised a hand in exhortation. "And, Shepard? Don't forget to take proper care of yourself, you hear me? Anything that helps you relax, makes you smile." His voice was getting fainter now, with interference crackling loud enough to make him difficult to understand. "Promise me, Shepard. You need a break too."

"Understood, sir." Susannah felt a hysterical laugh rising in her throat.

"Talk to Hackett the next time you're on the Citadel. He has a surprise for you." Was that a grin on Anderson's face? "Anderson out."

"Sir." She stepped back from the intercom as his image disappeared. With a sigh, she turned back to the bed.

James' face was unreadable, but he hadn't moved. "Do you want me to leave, Lola?"

She shook her head. "No. You heard the man."

Curling up close to him, she reached for the blanket. James turned on his side and pulled her close, sharing his warmth with her. _He's always warm._

It took her some time to collect her thoughts, and when she finally spoke, her words seemed hollow even to herself. "I'm worried about Anderson. Down there on Earth. It's a miracle he's still alive."

She felt James nod behind her. "Anderson was the one who recruited me to guard you, did you know? Found me in some God-forsaken bar on Omega and told me he had a job for me."

Susannah made a small noise of agreement, pushing herself even closer into his embrace. "Some job it turned out to be, eh?"

She could feel the low rumble of his laugh all the way through her body. "The best job I could have asked for, Lola. The very best."

 


	5. It Never Hurts

**Chapter 5 - It Never Hurts**

The two Marauders had taken him by surprise, dropping in from the ceiling only yards away from him. James had managed to take out the first with a burst from his Venom, fired reflexively rather than with any sort of plan in mind. But the second one had gotten in a shot at his leg and only a quick dive behind a support column had saved him from being blown to pieces. And now he was stuck here, in a corner between a fuel tank and a walkway, and he was praying that not even Reaper troops would be mad enough to risk blowing up the tank.

Despite the pain in his leg, he considered making a run for the ramp up to where Shepard was ensconced, taking out wave after wave of husks. But a quick glance told him another Marauder had taken the place of the first, and the two of them had him firmly pinned down. Dropping the shotgun, he reached for his assault rifle. It was at that point he realized he was down to his last round of ammo.

 _Shit, shit, shit, shit!_ James was beginning to sweat. From the sound of it, Shepard was struggling herself. And Garrus had gone off to join Captain Riley's squad when she had sent a call for help.

The Commander hadn't hesitated for a moment. "You go over and help the captain out, Garrus. James and I can handle this."

 _Yup. And so we could have. If I hadn't been stupid enough to get myself into this mess._ He really didn't want to die here, on Cyone, out in some far corner of the galaxy that no one had ever heard of. Though, to be fair, the fuel depot was a vital war asset, and Captain Riley and her people had impressed him with their courage and tenacity. They deserved any help they could get.

Peering out of cover, he fired another round at the first Marauder, nodding in grim satisfaction when its shield flickered and died. Pity there was no way to follow his first shot up with another one. He closed his eyes, counting the seconds until the creatures would realize he was no longer firing at them. _We were so close!_ Despite heavy enemy resistance, they had actually managed to unlock the fuel rods and seal the tanks. All they had left to do was get inside the reactor chamber and restart the damn thing. _And now we'll be lucky if we make it out alive._

It had grown silent out there, and he risked raising his head above the tank, fully expecting he'd have to dodge a shot from Marauder number two. But to his surprise, all that was left of his enemy was a smoking corpse. And before he could recover from his surprise, there was a heavy, clunking noise at his side, and Shepard rolled gracefully past him.

"James. A little covering fire would have been appreciated, you know." Her face was flushed under her helmet.

"Can't." He indicated his rifle with a tilt of his head. "I'm out of ammo."

"You're what?" Shepard shook her head impatiently and held out her arm to him, indicating the slim ammo pack strapped to it. "Here. I suggest you get one of those as soon as we're out of here. It's an old merc trick that has served me well over the years."

While he reloaded, mumbling his thanks, she noticed the burn on his leg. "Don't tell me you've run out of medi-gel as well!"

Twisting around to reach another pocket at the back of her hard-suit, she produced a packet of gel and set to patching him up quickly and methodically. "Quick. I have a feeling there's more trouble ahead. Really, James, next time I expect you to be better prepared!"

"Yes, ma'am," he muttered under his breath, flinching as she applied the gel to the wound. It wasn't serious, but he had to admit it would have been a handicap during a fight. "You know, you're really good at this."

Her face was scrunched up in concentration. "I took extra EMR classes after Akuze. Swore I wouldn't have anyone dying on me again if I could help it."

James was unsure what to say. But he was spared an answer. The door to the reactor chamber opened and the Brute charged.

* * *

Steve watched Garrus pace the area near the extraction point. He had never seen the turian look so nervous. Half an hour ago they had heard the reactor come back online, but there was no sign of Shepard or James. It was obvious waiting didn't come easy to Garrus.

"They'll be back any minute." Steve gave him a reassuring smile, doing a quick compute in his head. How many times had he waited for Shepard and all his other squad mates, unable to help them, condemned to forced inactivity? "Stop worrying, Vakarian. You know James is a damn fine soldier, and Shepard is the best."

"Damn it, Cortez, I should have stayed with them." Garrus' voice was buzzing with nervous vibrations. "There are Marauders down there, maybe even Brutes. And if there are more barrier engines like the ones I took out earlier-"

"If you'd stayed with her, we'd all be dead." Captain Riley looked up from where she was kneeling at the side of an injured marine. "There was no way we would have made it out there on our own."

"Don't sell yourself short, Captain." Despite his words, Garrus was visibly flattered. "Anyway, if the Commander doesn't show up soon, I'm going in."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate you going against her direct orders. Besides, James will do anything in his power to make sure she's safe."

"And what if that's not enough?" The turian shook his head and was about to say more when the door controls flared green.

"There they are!" Steve jumped to his feet. "Look." 

They were sweaty and exhausted, and James' leg looked badly burned, but there was a big smile on Shepard's face. "Come on, guys. If we hurry, we can make it back in time for dinner."

* * *

One by one they shook hands with Captain Riley. Garrus looked like a cat that had got the cream, when the Captain complimented him on his shooting. James grinned to himself as they filed back into the Shuttle, ready to leave Cyone behind. It had been a tough fight, but ultimately the Reaper bastards hadn't stood a chance.

"James?" Right inside the door, Shepard stopped him with a hand on his arm, tilting her head toward the sealed wound on his thigh. "Let this be a lesson. Make sure you never run out of supplies again."

He couldn't prevent his eye-roll at her words. "Yeah, Lola, I got it the first time. No need to rub it in."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Glad to hear it, _Lieutenant_. I hate having to repeat myself. But I'd appreciate it if you watched your tone."

James felt his mood darken. _Shit. Now she's pulling rank on me._ "With all due respect, Commander, I really didn't-"

Shepard took a deep breath, silencing him with a gesture. "You know what Chief Williams, may she rest in peace, used to say in moments like this?" She raised her hands to paint quotation marks in the air. " _Why is it that when someone says 'With all due respect', they really mean 'kiss my ass'_?" Refusing to be interrupted, she shook her head. "While I don't approve of her choice of words, I certainly share the sentiment, LT. So don't give me that bullshit when you really don't feel respectful at all."

James felt his cheeks heating up. "Ma'am." He quickly glanced over at Garrus, but the turian did an impressive job of pretending not to listen.

He kept to himself on the ride back to the Normandy. Part of him knew she was right, knew he'd been out of line, too flushed with the heat of victory and the relief of having survived yet another day to stick to the rules. And yet… _Why did she have to be so damn preachy?_ She might be his commanding officer, but she wasn't his mother! Cursing under his breath, he busied himself with tugging at his torn fatigues, even though it was obvious he would need a new pair anyway.

Garrus seemed to have dozed off, and Shepard had joined Steve in the cockpit. When they reached the ship, they each went their separate ways, without having spoken another word.

* * *

The Normandy was on her way to yet another star system, yet another mission. Susannah got up from the breakfast table, stretching and wincing when she realized how stiff and sore she felt. She should go up to her cabin, check her correspondence, read up on whatever else would have to be dealt with. But if she was honest, she couldn't be bothered. What she really needed, she decided, was a proper work-out.

Her Cerberus enhancements meant she had to put far less effort into physical fitness than the average marine, but she still stuck to her former routine. Running the treadmill, lifting weights, those were all activities that had become familiar enough to soothe her frayed nerves, almost like a daily meditation. Plus, she was proud of her trim, taut body. Kaidan had eyed her muscled forearms with some apprehension when he'd come back on board, but James seemed to be fine with them. _Well, he's hardly in a position to criticize me!_

The gym was empty when she arrived, not surprising at this early hour. She started her usual routine, setting a challenging but not punishing pace. Soon enough the thoughts rolling around in her head calmed down, and by the time she walked over to the weights, her mind felt pleasantly empty. She was still pondering which one to choose when the door opened and Garrus walked in.

"Shepard." He nodded at her, looking unsurprised to see her.

They had often worked out together in the tiny room set aside for that purpose on the old Normandy and knew each other's habits. He made some adjustments to the stepper to allow for the slight differences in turian physique and for a while, all that could be heard was the noise of their breathing.

They didn't talk while she worked with the weights, but when she sat up afterward and wiped the sweat off her forehead, Garrus stopped and dropped on the bench next to her, offering her the turian equivalent of a smile.

"We did well on Cyone, don't you think?" He took a deep draught from his bottle. "Vega is a force of nature with that shotgun. And he never seems to get tired."

Susannah smiled back. "The two of you are a good team. You balance each other out rather nicely, you know. Precision versus brute force."

Garrus chuckled. "I believe you're right. He's not one for subtlety, but I'm glad to have him at my side out there. A solid, reliable presence, that sort of thing. And from what I hear, you feel much the same. On a more personal level."

When Susannah blushed and tried to say something, he raised his hands in a pacifying gesture. "Hey, no need to defend your… whatever-it-is to me. I've never understood your stupid Alliance rules. And it's obvious this is doing you good."

She shook her head. "Are you sure? You witnessed that little scene on the shuttle yesterday. Alliance regulations are there for a reason, you know."

Garrus looked at her searchingly. "What are you worried about? Insubordination? You were pretty clear on that yesterday, and I'm sure the Lieutenant has learned his lesson."

"Yeah, he probably has." Susannah sighed deeply. "Still, I'm just not sure this whole thing is healthy. He's quite a bit younger than I am, and I've been through a lot of shit."

"Well, so has he, Shepard. So have we all." There was an odd undertone to Garrus' subvocals, something she couldn't quite place, for all the years she'd known him. "Look, Shepard, I'm hardly an expert on human relationships, but it seems to me you're overanalysing things. The two of you are in love, even I can see that. Heck, I can actually smell it."

"Garrus! That's gross!" She punched him in the ribs, even though she knew full well he wouldn't feel a thing through his carapace. "But is he in love with little old ordinary me? Or with the great Commander Shepard?"

"You _are_ the great Commander Shepard." Garrus cocked his head, an oddly bird-like movement. "Face it, Shepard, you're neither little nor ordinary, and you never will be. You're a big damn hero. Of course, having said this, I still am the better shot."

"That remains to be seen." Susannah's eyes narrowed in mock threat, but then she grew serious again. "It worries me, you know. What if he realizes his hero isn't perfect after all?" Suddenly her throat felt tight. "Not that it will matter if this whole thing goes sideways. Hey, Garrus, do you think human heaven and turian heaven are the same?"

Garrus sighed. "I certainly hope so. If we really don't make it through this, meet me at the bar for a drink, okay? But really, Shepard, there's no reason to give up hope just yet."

For once she didn't have it in her to smile. "Yeah. But it never hurts to be prepared."


	6. Missing You

**Chapter 6 - Missing You**

"Come on, Susannah. It's obvious what's going on here." Kaidan's voice was gentle, persuasive, the very model of reason. "You're getting off on his hero worship, and he's getting a kick out of sleeping with the great Commander Shepard."

"What?" Susannah had trouble believing her ears.

She'd dropped by the Starboard Observation lounge after lunch for a quick chat with Kaidan, and despite the early hour she had gladly accepted the drink he'd offered her. They had talked about inconsequential stuff for a while, and it had been pleasant enough, but as soon as the talk had turned to James, he had changed his tune.

Kaidan shrugged. "Well, it's true, even if you don't want to hear it. This whole relationship lacks respect, on both sides." He sighed. "You used to have a lot more integrity."

"Did I?" Susannah let an icy edge creep into her voice. "You mean, like when I was sleeping with you? You were my subordinate too back then, in case you've forgotten, _Major_ Alenko."

"That was different!" His gaze burned into hers. "At least I thought it was."

"You bet it was." Susannah was shaking with anger. "You assume far too much. You have no idea what's going on between James and me, none at all."

"No, I guess I don't. Must be pretty spectacular, though, if you're willing to forego all your principles for it." God, he sounded bitter.

Susannah felt her teeth clench. She was willing to forgive a lot where Kaidan was concerned, for the sake of what had once been, but this was going too far. _Way too far._ "You know, Kaidan, why don't you get off your moral high horse for a while? No one on this ship but you begrudges us our little bit of happiness, not at a time like this when-"

"Susannah!" He was too caught up in his own argument to guess what she'd been about to say. But it was probably just as well. "I don't begrudge you anything. But don't you see you have to end this? What would happen if he were in danger? If you had to decide between saving him and going through with the mission?"

"You know damn well what would happen then, Kaidan!" Susannah didn't even bother to hide her bitterness. _You must have run out of arguments if you fall back on that old hat, buddy._ "You of all people should know I can make hard decisions." She swallowed. "You know I loved Ash like a sister."

The fight went out of him immediately. "I do. I'm sorry, Susannah." He stepped back, rubbing his eyes in a gesture of pure defeat. "Sometimes I… I wish all of this had never happened, you know. I miss the old days. I miss you."

His voice was almost too low to hear. Susannah remained silent. She wouldn't have known what to say.

Yet as she made her way up to her cabin, a tiny voice kept gnawing at her. What if he was right, at least in part? Was her relationship with James too unbalanced? Was she using him? And did she have no choice but to break it off?

* * *

"What's the matter, James? Trouble in paradise?" Steve greeted him with an affectionate smile as he walked into the Shuttle Bay.

James sighed. "You haven't heard? I thought Vakarian would have told anyone. Decent of him." In a few terse sentences, he described the incident on the shuttle. "It was just so… Look, I know she's the boss, and I was out of line. And I know she's Commander Shepard, saviour of the galaxy, and all that. But really, couldn't she have-"

Steve raised an eyebrow. "Wow. You sound pissed." He gave a low whistle. "I'm surprised at you. But frankly, also a little relieved. I was a bit worried about the way you worship the ground she walks on."

James shook his head. "That's not true, Esteban. Well, maybe it was, at the beginning," he amended. "But hey, I'm not stupid, man. I know she's a real person, not just a dream come true. She has flaws, and bad days, and maybe she can't save us after all. Though I still think if anyone can do it-" He broke off. "It doesn't matter, Steve. Even if she's not perfect, I… respect her."

Steve chuckled. "Good to hear, Mister Vega. And now it's time to kiss and make up, don't you think?"

"Easier said than done." James threw him a dark look. "You didn't hear her on the shuttle."

"Come on. You just said it." Steve gave him a not-so-gentle nudge. "She isn't perfect and neither are you. Go and apologize, admit you were wrong. I'm sure it will be fine."

* * *

Susannah rubbed her eyes wearily. The conversation with Kaidan had left her depressed and maudlin, and spending the rest of the afternoon writing reports and reading up on mission briefings hadn't improved her mood. No matter how hard they tried, things weren't looking good. All over the galaxy, the Reapers were making progress, while she was losing valuable time dealing with dozens of minor assignments.

She'd already taken a quick shower and changed into her nightshirt, ready to settle down, but she felt oddly restless. She took a quick peek at her inbox and found a message from Miranda. As usual, it was heavily encrypted to make sure the Illusive Man wouldn't be able to track her down, but it presented no real challenge for Susannah's tech skills. She grinned as she skimmed through it. For all her cool demeanour, Miranda wasn't above a little gossip, and the rumours she'd heard about Commander Shepard's love life had made her curious. It would be nice to sit down with her for a long chat now…

There were no other messages – a rarity, but one she would be grateful for in the normal course of events. Tonight, though… Leaning down over her desk, she stretched her lower back, debating what to do with the evening, when the door control buzzed and EDI's voice rang out.

_"Lieutenant Vega is asking to see you, Commander. May he come in?"_

_James!_ Susannah felt a sharp stab of anxiety. He hadn't been up for several nights now. She'd been busy, and if she was quite honest, she'd been reluctant to ask him up, after their little squabble. _We probably need to talk… Avoiding him won't solve anything._ "Of course, EDI. Unlock the door."

 _"Very well, Commander_." The doors opened with a whooshing sound.

"Commander?" James sounded insecure, as if he expected her to be still mad at him.

She had been furious on the shuttle, and with good reason. And yet… Hearing his voice, low and husky, made her heart flutter in a way she hadn't anticipated. Garrus was right. She had made her point and James wouldn't question her authority again. Now that he was here, she realized how lonely she had been, and the last thing she wanted was to waste more time on this stupid quarrel.

On impulse, Susannah decided to remain where she was, fully aware of the sight she offered, bent down over the desk, wearing nothing but the long shirt, her long legs bare, her hair wet and tousled from the shower. "James. Come here."

James was behind her in two quick steps, his large hands settling possessively on her hips. "Lola. Don't you think-"

Shaking her head, she pressed back against him. "Later. Not now."

His hands wandered up her torso, lifting her until her body was flush with his, then sliding forward to cup her breasts. His breath was hot on her neck. "Been missing me?"

"More than you know." She moaned as his thumbs circled her nipples through the threadbare fabric, teasing her playfully. "Yes, keep doing that." She inhaled sharply as he pinched harder. "Perfect."

He was already hardening against her, grinding into her, and she bit back a whimper. _How is it possible that he reduces me to a helpless puddle of want with just a few touches?_ It was almost embarrassing. His right hand travelled deeper, pulling her back from the desk just far enough that he could slip it under the hem of her shirt and push it up inch by inch, caressing the bare skin underneath with the faintest of touches.

"Want me to take you to bed, Lola?" He tried to sound languid, but the faint tremor in his voice betrayed how affected he was by her reaction. "Want me to make love to you?"

She gasped as his fingers brushed against her curls. "I want. But…" A sudden flash of mischief made her smile as she bent forward again, feeling the shirt slide upward to bare her lower back. "Why move this to the bed? I'm perfectly fine here."

His breath hitched. "You-" As usual, he took the hint straight away, though. Warm hands wandered up her back, pushing up the fabric until he could pull it over her head, then sliding all the way down again over her naked form, caressing every curve. "You are so incredibly hot."

Susannah shivered under his touch. No one had ever made her feel so beautiful, so _wanted_ before. Every inch of her body seemed to be special to him, precious and worthy of care and reverence. It was a heady feeling, to be worshipped like this, and when his hand found its way between her legs again, she opened up willingly for him.

James was careful at first, but when he found her wet and wanting, he pushed deeper, his thumb circling her clit with assurance until she was ready to beg for more. Apparently her incoherent moans were clear as day to him, because he withdrew his hand at the precisely right moment. She felt him fiddling with his fatigues, not bothering to undress more than necessary, and then he was nudging at her from behind, and she spread her legs even wider, inviting him in.

She felt incredibly sexy and a little dirty, standing here at her desk, stark naked, with James still mostly dressed. He pushed inside her ever so slowly until she couldn't bear it any longer and pushed herself back at him, because she wanted all of him, wanted to be full of him, right now. His hands settled on her hips again, guiding her movements as he set a tortuously slow rhythm.

At first she was impatient, eager for him to pick up speed and thrust harder, until he bent down over her back and nuzzled her neck, whispering in her ear. "Relax, Lola. We have all the time in the world."

She forced herself to slow down then, taking the time to really _feel_ him, focussing on the soft slide of him inside her, in and out, so deep, so intense, and something cracked inside her, some hard shell she had built around her vulnerable core. Closing her eyes, she surrendered herself to the moment, to him, all her barriers gone for a brief moment. She was grateful he was behind her and couldn't see her expression – she wasn't ready for that, not yet. But as he kept thrusting, careful and controlled, she let it all go, melting into him, excitement building inside her slowly but inexorably.

Susannah lost all track of time and of her surroundings. She didn't even feel her legs tremble with exhaustion, didn't notice the edge of the table digging into her thighs. Nothing existed but the union of their bodies, the closeness, and the shared warmth. When he finally picked up speed, her movements followed his of their own accord, so naturally she didn't have to think about it. She came in his arms, listening to his voice whispering endearments in her ear, even as he went limp against her back, just as overwhelmed as she was.

Pulling back, he sank down on the desk chair, carefully arranging her on his lap so she could rest against his shoulder. Wrapping his huge arms around her, he stroked her hair. "Lola. _Mi corazón_." He was still a little breathless. "I came to apologize-"

She shushed him with a finger to his lips. "Don't worry. It's already forgotten. And I'm sorry I was so snappish." She huddled up closer to him, smiling against his skin. "Do you know how much I love it when you talk to me in Spanish?"

James chuckled, a little self-consciously. "Yeah, well. My uncle Emilio taught me. I'm glad you like it." He leaned back a little, so he could see her face. "But I remember you calling me _cariño,_ back when we first got together." There was a question in his voice.

Susannah ran a finger along his brow, then down his cheek. "One of my mother's many admirers spoke Spanish. Ernesto. He stuck around longer than most, and he taught me a few phrases. I rather liked him." A brief shadow crossed her face. "I was desperate for a new dad after my own father died. But it never worked out that way."

"I'm sorry." James pulled her back against his chest.

"No need." She shook her head. "It was a long time ago. What about your dad? Are your parents alive?"

His hand on her back stopped for a moment, but then resumed its gentle, stroking movements. "My mother died when I was barely more than a kid. My father never got over her death. He… started doing red sand. It got bad." He shuddered. "I have no idea where he is now."

Susannah closed her eyes, momentarily overcome by the pain in his voice. "Oh, James." Sliding off his lap, she took his hand and placed a kiss on his palm. "Come to bed now."

He nodded, following her without another word. When she snuggled up close to him, he pulled her into an embrace, tight enough to be almost painful. Yet she didn't complain. It felt right. It felt safe.

 

 


	7. Sole Survivor

**Chapter 7 – Sole Survivor**

James wasn't quite sure if he was dreaming. First of all, Admiral Hackett _ordering_ them to go on shore leave? Sure, the Normandy needed some repairs, but this was as much about the crew as about the ship. The old man had been adamant that he wanted them all to take some time to rest and relax. It seemed being the last hope of the galaxy came with some perks after all.

And then Shepard had dragged him off to this place. "It's Anderson's old apartment, and he no longer needs it. We're free to use it."

Well. This wasn't what he'd expected from anyone's _old apartment_. A lot bigger, for one. _Who in the galaxy needs so much space?_ They would probably need half a day just to look at all the rooms. It was nice, though. An impressive view of the Citadel, stylish furniture, an amazingly well-appointed kitchen.

While Shepard was busy checking out the fireplace, he turned a corner. "What the hell? No way." It was hard to contain his enthusiasm.

There was a bedroom just off the main living area, with a huge bed and a bookshelf. But most importantly, the room contained a pull-up bar and a punching bag. Not the cheap stuff either. He ran his fingers over the fine leather with a soft whistle of appreciation.

Shepard had followed him and laughed softly at the expression on his face. "Oh my. It seems we've found your room."

"Really?" He knew he sounded like a child at Christmas, but the thought of doing his workouts here made him inordinately happy.

"Go on. Try it out." She indicated the punching bag with a nod. "It's all yours, as long as you let me have a go now and then."

Walking over to the bar, she took hold of it and pulled herself up a few times without breaking a sweat. She was in good form lately. When he'd first met her, back on Earth, she'd seemed tired and frustrated with her forced inaction, and she'd neglected her fitness regimen to some extent. Now, however, she was in top shape, not an ounce of fat on her body.

He glanced over at her with a grin. "Look at you. Think you can beat my record?"

Shepard snorted. "Is that supposed to be a challenge? You should know better after our little sparring match in the Shuttle Bay."

"True." James smiled at the memory. "You know, I've never thanked you properly for what you did that day."

"For beating you up, you mean?" She raised an astonished eyebrow, her mouth twitching slightly. "Any time, James, if that's what you like."

"Not that." He shook his head, unsmiling. He was serious about this and he wanted her to acknowledge it. "You know what I mean. The pep talk you gave me about Fehl Prime. You… you made me see I had to get past it." He swallowed. "You made me realize I wanted to go on living."

"Hey." She stepped back from the bar and turned to face him, raising a hand to his cheek in a rare gesture of tenderness. "I knew how you felt. It was pretty much the same for me after Akuze. I kept blaming myself, because I was alive and everyone else was gone. I kept asking myself what I had done to deserve this."

"A thresher maw attacked your unit, right?" He had read up on her background when Anderson had tasked him with guarding her, but the section on Akuze had been curiously lacking in detail. Just a few terse words about her being the sole survivor of the attack and the immense stress she had gone through.

She nodded. "Everyone died. My whole unit. My best friends. My lover at the time. Nathan." There was a far-away look in her eyes. "Not the love of my life, but he was a sweet guy."

There was nothing to be said. He knew it better than anyone. He too would never forget the names of his friends who had died on Fehl Prime. _April. Christine_. They were gone and he was alive, and there would never be a good reason for this.

He reached out and pulled her into his arms, but right then her omni-tool beeped. With a frown, she glanced at the message.

"It's from Joker. He wants to meet me for dinner at some fancy sushi place. Says he has _a few things he wants to go over with me_." She shook her head impatiently. "You know, this is not like Joker. Couldn't he just have come over?"

"There's no food in the fridge," he reminded her. "I can order some while you're away. And once you're back, we can have a nice quiet evening."

"Sounds good." She put her head on his shoulder for a moment, closing her eyes and inhaling his scent. "You know, I could get used to this."

"Me too." He watched her as she slipped on her shoes and headed for the door. "Take care, Lola."

* * *

"You clean up nicely, James." Susannah eyed her lover appreciatively.

She'd never seen him dressed up before, and there was no denying he looked good in the dark suit. He was visibly uncomfortable with the high collar, though, running his fingers along it as if it was stifling him.

"Not as well as you, Lola." The look he gave her carried enough heat to warm her despite her bare arms and shoulders and the cool air from the vents outside the casino on. "You look gorgeous."

Susannah rolled her eyes. She knew she had the body to pull off the skin-tight little dress she was wearing, but she still felt as if she couldn't breathe, and she hated how clingy the skirt was. She much preferred clothes that let her move freely. _You never know how the evening will end._ And if this turned out to be another disaster of epic proportions, like the dinner at the sushi place, a set of armour would have been a far better choice than this little number. _Bloody mercenaries! I should have known it was a trap. It was sheer madness going in there unarmed and all but defenceless. It's a good thing James showed up with the rocket launcher or I wouldn't be here tonight._

"I don't like dresses," was all she said aloud, muttering through clenched teeth.

"Well, I'll be looking forward to helping you get rid of it later." James' voice was even more husky than usual, and she had to admit that the prospect did interesting things to her insides.

She shook herself, trying to focus on the task as she walked down the red carpet with James and Maya Brooks, smiling and waving. The charity event they were attending was just a cover, of course, their real goal being Elijah Khan's panic room. They needed to find out more about whoever had been hacking into her personal files and the casino owner was their most promising lead so far.

As soon as they were in, Brooks disappeared, making for the panic room. Susannah took a deep breath, scanning the room for anyone who looked threatening or suspicious.

"Smile, Lola." James' hand was warm on her lower back. "This won't work if you look too worried."

She nodded, plastering the fake smile back on her face. It was hard not to worry. Who could be behind all this? And what could they possibly hope to gain by digging around in her private records? She'd talked to Brooks about it, and the Alliance Analyst seemed to think someone was out to steal her identity, impersonate her somehow. But how did this make sense?

"Right. Let's play our part and mingle." She straightened up, encouraged by James' admiring glance at her body. "What do you think? A game of quasar to start off the evening?"

James chuckled. "Why not? I'll get us a drink and join you there in a minute."

She watched him disappear in the crowd and made for the quasar tables, but she hadn't even walked two steps before an elderly gentleman approached her, mumbling something about stars and planets. Susannah sighed inwardly. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

When the clone opponent stepped from the shadows, down in the Citadel Archives where they had hunted her down, James refused to believe his eyes at first. An almost exact mirror image of the woman he loved. _Almost. Not quite._ Shepard tensed at his side and he had a hard time keeping his fury in check. Would there never be an end to Cerberus' perversions? It was painful to watch her try to argue with the… thing, painful to see doubt flash across her face for an instant when the clone threatened to take her place.

It was a tough fight. Brooks turned out to be a traitor, not an Alliance Analyst after all, but a former Cerberus operative who had chanced upon the clone and seen its potential. Shepard fought her way through scores of enemies with her usual single-minded focus, but there were moments in between when he saw her falter. He was pretty sure no one else noticed it. Well, Alenko maybe. The major seemed worried about her too, but all the others only saw the triumphant Commander they knew.

It got worse. When Shepard realized the clone tried to take the Normandy from her, a quiet, seething rage took hold of her. James had never seen her as angry as this. She hardly spoke while they were busy finding a way inside with Traynor's help. Her face was expressionless during the struggle to take back the ship. And even during the final face-down with what he'd secretly dubbed her evil twin, she remained oddly calm.

* * *

She insisted on going up to her cabin as soon as the ship was safe, no doubt eager to reclaim it. James bit back a curse at the sight that awaited them. He knew Shepard was particular about her possessions being in their proper place, and all the small changes her clone had made had to grate on her nerves.

"Lola." He reached out for her as she put the chessboard back on its table and ran his thumb along her shoulder blade, flinching at the tautness of her muscles. "It's over. The clone is gone. She's dead and you're here with me. That's all that matters."

Shepard straightened up, exhaling sharply. "Do I really sound like her, James?" Her face bore an expression of disgust. "Am I anything like her?"

"You're nothing like her." He wanted to pull her in his arms, but something about her posture told him to wait. _Still so full of rage._

"That bitch nearly killed Boo!" She was shaking with anger as she put the hamster's cage back in his place. Boo had curled up in his little house, trembling and refusing to come out.

James rolled his eyes, but refrained from commenting. Shepard loved the small hamster beyond rhyme or reason. The clone had signed her death warrant the moment Lola had discovered she had thrown the pet's cage out with the rubbish.

"Thank Heavens for Traynor and her toothbrush. Well, for my whole crew, really. God, James." Shepard shuddered. "Just think… What would have happened if the clone had been a little less brutal, a little more subtle? What if she had just gotten rid of me in secret and walked in here, bold as brass? Would you have taken her aboard and thought it was me?"

James snorted contemptuously. "She wouldn't have fooled me for a second."

"You think could you have told us apart?" Shepard swivelled around and gave him a doubting look. "Identical clones, remember?"

He shook his head. "She didn't look like you. Not in the ways that count. She didn't talk like you. She didn't have your charm or that look you get when you-" He blushed and refused to elaborate. "She wasn't you."

"How can you be so sure?" Shepard still didn't seem convinced.

"Because you are one of a kind, Lola. You're special." _And I love you. More than anything or anyone else in this whole messed-up universe._ He didn't say it aloud, though. This was neither the time nor the place.

She smiled and finally came closer, cupping his cheek in her hand. "You are pretty special yourself, you know. I think I-" She broke off, biting her lip. "Let's get back to the apartment. I'm tired and we can clean this up later."


	8. Rest and Relaxation

**Chapter 8 - Rest and Relaxation**

James woke up to find his right arm had fallen asleep all the way down from the shoulder. Not surprisingly so, since Shepard had spent the whole night huddled up against him. They were both naked, though not for the usual reason. On returning to the apartment last night, they had both been exhausted, worn down from hours spent explaining the whole business with the clone to a bunch of officials who had seemed utterly confused by it. She had dragged him straight up to the master bedroom, and they had dropped onto the bed and fallen asleep straight away.

He disentangled his arm from her grip, wincing at the tingling sensation when the feeling returned to it. He got up to find the toilet, taking the opportunity to explore a little further. They had never actually made it up here before Joker's call, and he was curious.

The bedroom itself was perhaps a bit more spacious than the others, but otherwise much the same. James wrinkled his nose. He still found it hard to reconcile this luxurious apartment with the Admiral Anderson he knew and admired. The man had never struck him as an art collector or an interior decorating enthusiast. When he stepped into the adjoining bathroom, however, he encountered a truly pleasant surprise. He felt a broad grin spread over his face.

Crawling back into bed, he nibbled on Shepard's ear, a move guaranteed to wake her. "Lola. Why didn't you tell me there's a whirlpool in here?"

She squinted up at him from behind a stray lock of hair. "Didn't I? Well, there is one. Right next door."

"I know." He moved down her neck, soft kisses alternating with playful little bites. "Let's try it out."

"What, now?" Her eyes were suddenly wide open. "First thing in the morning?"

"Why not? The water is already running. And I can't think of a better way to wake up." He bit down a little harder, making her yelp. "Come on, Lola. It will be fun."

He was in the tub before she even made it to the bathroom, stretching out in the blissfully hot water with a happy sigh. She stopped in the doorway, looking him over with an indulgent smile.

"I didn't think you'd be so enthusiastic about this." Her voice was warm, and her eyes were twinkling with humour. "God, you look gorgeous, James." She didn't bother to hide her appreciation for his body, and the look in her eyes made him grow a few inches. Well, mainly in one spot.

She did look pretty tempting herself, her long hair tousled from sleep, her well-toned body stark naked, her skin smooth and perfect in the soft light. With a knowing glance at him, she sauntered closer and climbed into the tub with a small sound of pleasure.

He watched the water envelop her body, smiling when she lay back with an expression of sheer bliss as the water jets began massaging her body. Small droplets glistened on her shoulders as she shook out her hair, and her skin took on a rosy sheen, unlike her usual paleness. _So beautiful._

In true Shepard fashion, she didn't waste more than a few minutes luxuriating in the water, though. Instead, she moved over to straddle him, running her hands down his wide chest, worshipping every inch of his heavily muscled torso. "You're getting hotter with each passing day. And those tattoos suit you so very, very well."

Bending down, she traced the patterns on his chest with her tongue. He moaned and arched up into her mouth, enjoying the way her firm thighs were wrapped around his waist.

"I used to have a tattoo myself, you know? Cerberus forgot to put it back when they reassembled me. Or maybe they thought I looked better without it. Who knows?" Shepard's tone was light, but she didn't quite meet his gaze. He knew the whole _being-rebuilt-from-scratch thing_ , as she had once called it, was still a sore point with her.

"Really? Where was it?" James sat up a little.

She wiggled around in his arms until she faced away from him. "Right shoulder blade. Down there." She indicated the place with a tilt of her head.

"Here?" He placed a light kiss on the unblemished skin. It was hard to imagine a tattoo there.

Shepard laughed softly. "Yes, about there. Mmhmm, this is nice."

She leaned back against him, and he cupped her naked breasts with his hands. They felt incredibly good, slippery from the warm water, firm and yet soft. "What did it look like?"

"A tiny Mass Relay." She giggled. "I was a bit of a tech geek back then, you know."

"You could get a new one." James pulled her even closer, letting her feel his arousal.

Her head sank back against his shoulder. "I guess I could." With a quick motion, she turned again to face him, her body now flush against his, her breasts brushing against his chest. "It's not high on my list of priorities, though."

The look she gave him made it more than clear what was. He pulled her up into a long, passionate kiss that left them both breathless and eager for more.

"Let's take this to the bedroom." James felt a small pang of regret at leaving the hot tub so soon, but his previous experiences with sex in the water had been less than stellar. Still, there were other things he could think of…

On their way over to the bed, he grabbed two large, plushy towels, wrapping one around his waist and spreading the other on the mattress, indicating she should lie down. Shepard raised a speculative eyebrow, but complied willingly, stretching out and watching him curiously.

Quickly but gently he dried her off with his own towel, admiring the soft glow of her skin. "Relax, Lola." He had brought a small bottle of oil from the bathroom. Now he began working it into her skin, starting with her hands and feet and moving in closer, stroking, caressing, teasing her softly. When he finally reached her breasts, she was already breathing heavily, and her nipples were hard under his touch.

"Damn it, James, that's enough." One of her hands darted down his body in a lightning-fast move and wrapped itself around him. He was rock hard, had been for some time, and when she ran her thumb over the head of his cock, gently spreading the fluid leaking from it, it was almost more than he could bear.

" _Cuidado_! Stop it." Taking hold of her wrist he yanked up her hand, not missing her tiny gasp of excitement.

_So that's what you want?_ The thought sent another tingle of excitement down his spine. She was slippery from the oil, yet he managed to take hold of both of her hands and pin them down above her head. Well, to be honest, she let him do it. He was under no illusion that she couldn't easily have prevented him. Yet it was a heady feeling, seeing her spread out under him like this, his for the taking. Suddenly he found he couldn't wait any longer.

Leaving one hand wrapped loosely around her wrists, he used the other to spread her legs wide. She was ready for him, hot and wet and pulsing with desire. Without further ado, he aligned himself and thrust deep inside her, sliding home in a single move. Her head sank back, exposing her long white neck to him, while her legs tightened around his waist, ankles crossing on his back as if she wanted to push him in even further.

"God, James." Her voice was heavy with arousal. "You feel so incredibly good."

"You too." It was his last coherent utterance, his last coherent thought, really.

Letting go of her hands, he pushed himself up above her. Once he began to move, he was lost in the sensation of her hot body surrounding him, her wet hair brushing against his wrists, as her head tossed from side to side, her inner muscles clenching around him as he thrust harder and harder. Dimly he felt her nails scratch along his flanks, heard her moans turn into small cries of pleasure, as he took her ever closer to her peak. And then the whole world shattered around him, leaving him with nothing but the sweet sensation coursing up his spine, flooding his whole body with an ecstasy so intense he almost blacked out.

"Lola." As soon as he trusted his voice again, he whispered her name against her shoulder where he had buried his face. He felt a little guilty for losing himself so completely. "Are you… Did you-"

"Oh yes." The dreamy lassitude in her voice told him it had been just as good for her, as did the slight tremble of her body when he withdrew from her with a reluctant sigh.

He flopped down heavily onto the bed next to her, still too overwhelmed to think clearly, closing his eyes and revelling in the tiny aftershocks buzzing through his body. In the quiet of the apartment, he could hear Shepard breathing next to him, deep, relaxed breaths that made him wonder if she had fallen asleep.

"James?" It seemed as if an eternity had passed when she spoke.

Opening his eyes he found her gazing affectionately at him. "I guess it's time to get up. We have a lot to do before tonight." A big grin spread over her face. "We have a party to organize.

* * *

Susannah yawned and stretched, trying to catch a glimpse of the alarm at her bedside. Her head hurt enough to make her regret how many cocktails she'd had last night. Only a little, though. It had been some party!

Rolling on her stomach, she smiled fondly to herself. She hadn't expected so many of her friends to come to the party, but God, it had been good to see them all again. Jack and Grunt, Miranda and Kasumi had all shown up, and so had Zaeed, the old bugger. And of course all the members of her current crew had been there. They'd all been on their best behaviour, even later at night when things got a little wild. Well, except for Grunt, though puking in the shower probably still counted as good manners for a Krogan.

James seemed to be already up. He'd _really_ enjoyed himself last night, what with the dancing and the tapas they'd ordered, and the chance to show off his impressive physique. Susannah barely held back a giggle at the memory of his earnest face when he'd had that discussion with Liara about the merits of muscles versus biotics. He was such a sweetheart, really, and the way his face had lit up when she'd taken his side…

With a sigh she rolled out of bed and threw on her tracksuit, making her way down to the kitchen where she found James, busy frying eggs for breakfast. Much to her surprise, Kaidan was with him, looking perfectly at ease as he cut bacon into thin slices.

"Lola. Good morning." James sounded tired but happy as she walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and rubbing her cheek against his broad back.

"Morning, James. Mhm, that smells divine." Tentatively she smiled over at Kaidan, worried about his reaction to her small display of affection.

But to her relief he smiled back. "Good morning, Susannah." There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but it was gone almost before she could notice.

As she made her way over to the coffee-maker to get herself a cup, James and Kaidan kept on laughing and joking, more relaxed than she'd ever seen them in each other's company. Maybe their little contest last night had done them good, helped them get some of the competitiveness out of their systems. Susannah felt a happy grin rise to her face as she recalled the two of them doing push-ups up on the balcony. It had been quite a sight – enough to give a girl ideas. Both of them groaning as they kept working those hard muscles, throwing each other dark glances, moving in a steady rhythm…

"You look like the cat that's got the cream, Shepard." Miranda who was sitting perched up on a kitchen counter threw her a sly look. "A little domestic happiness is doing you good. It was an awesome party, by the way. So weird to see everyone in one place."

"Weird but good." Susannah took a sip from her coffee. "I'm glad you came, Miranda. I miss having you around."

"I'd love to be part of your crew again, Shepard. But I've taken enough of a risk coming here." Miranda sounded wistful. "Though it was totally worth it," she added with a quick smile. "If only to see you so happy for once. You deserve it."

"We all do." Susannah smiled back and leaned against the counter, looking around the apartment. Steve and Zaeed were deep in discussion of the merits of various shuttle models over on the couch. EDI was glancing worriedly at Joker who looked distinctly hung-over. The others were nowhere to be seen, but that was fine. They were probably still asleep.

She inhaled deeply, enjoying the smell of food wafting through the room, the quiet murmur of her friends' voices, the warm light Glyph had thoughtfully arranged for. _If this is as good as it gets, then I've been damn lucky._

She smiled at Miranda and opened her mouth to speak, but once again a beep from her omni-tool interrupted her thoughts.

"What is it?" Kaidan had seen her frown.

Susannah cursed under her breath. "A message from Tevos, the asari Councillor. She wants to meet me in private. Says it's urgent." She sighed. "It seems our little break is over."

 

 

 


	9. Caught Unprepared

**Chapter 9 – Caught Unprepared**

"What did she want?" James glanced sideways at Shepard as they made their way back to the Normandy.

She looked pissed. More than a little. Her lips were set in a thin line, and there was single vertical line between her eyebrows. Whatever the asari Councilor had told her, it had obviously upset her more than just a little.

"Bloody asari!" Shepard shook herself in disgust. "To think that for all this time they've withheld such vital information from all of us. At least she did come clean now. I just hope it's not too late."

His incomprehension must have shown on his face, because she actually stopped for a moment to face him. "There's a Prothean artifact on Thessia that could help us with the construction of the Catalyst. Only they didn't bother to tell us up until now. Now that the Reapers are on the doorstep, we're suddenly good enough to be told." Her expression changed as a thought occurred to her. "Oh my God! If they do to Thessia what they did to Earth, I don't know how Liara will cope."

James nodded slowly. Shepard's attitude towards Liara was a bit of a mystery to him. They had known each other for ages, but they weren't close, not the way she was with Garrus or Joker, or even Miranda. Maybe they were just too different to be real friends. And yet, it was obvious she worried about Liara and felt protective toward her.

As for Thessia's fate… James suppressed a shudder at the thought of the Reapers ravaging the asari homeworld. He'd visited the place once, years ago, and had been deeply impressed by its timeless beauty. Well, whenever he hadn't been too distracted by the pretty faces and gorgeous bodies around him. Either way, with Thessia lost, the universe would turn a little darker.

He shook himself, trying to focus on the mission. "Where exactly is this artifact hidden?"

"In some kind of temple." Shepard had resumed her grim march toward the ship's docking area. "We’re supposed to meet up with a team of scientists there and investigate further. But we'll have to hurry. The Reapers may already be there, and we can't afford to lose that information."

* * *

Susannah entered the ruined temple with small, careful steps, glad to have James at her back. The situation on Thessia was worse than she'd imagined, and if it hadn't been for Lieutenant Kurin's sacrifice, they'd never have made it here. She glanced over to the right, where Liara was examining the prone body of a man in a lab coat.

"He's dead, Shepard. His throat has been cut. Whoever did this, it wasn't the Reapers." The asari's serene features looked grim and tense.

Susannah nodded. There were more bodies, strewn all over the big entrance hall. Something was off here, something more than the Reaper forces outside the door that were busy turning beautiful Thessia into a slaughterhouse. Liara was trembling, and Susannah felt a flash of worry. Liara had insisted on coming along on this mission, here on her home world, but would she be able to keep it together in the face of all those horrors? But then, Liara was a lot stronger than she seemed.

Back when they'd first met, the young asari had seemed so gentle and helpless. And yet, even back then, she'd gotten what she'd wanted, no matter how. In her eagerness to know more about Susannah, she'd dug up all of her service history, down to the last confidential file. Sure, her motive had been excessive shyness and a reluctance to ask directly, rather than anything more sinister, but even so, the whole episode had left Susannah with a lingering feeling of unease.

When they had met again on Ilium, Liara's youthful innocence had given way to something altogether more ruthless. She'd become stronger, too, and more resilient, but she was no longer quite as lovable. Susannah sighed. They had all changed, no one knew that better than her, but Liara had gone from being a gauche, seemingly clueless archaeologist to taking on the mantle of the Shadow Broker, one of the greatest Powers in the galaxy. Susannah had seen some of her dossiers. Not much remained secret once the Broker's agents set about finding it out.

And now Susannah could never get it out of her head how much Liara knew about her private life, about everyone's private lives. All her little flaws and weaknesses, every embarrassing affair she'd ever had, every class she'd messed up during her training, every mission she'd botched - Liara had all the information at her fingertips.

And while Susannah knew the asari loved her and was fiercely loyal, it was a little off-putting. No matter how hard she tried to put those feelings aside, she always felt naked in Liara's presence, never quite comfortable.

Still, none of it counted now, and she needed to keep her attention on the mission. What had happened here?

"If the scientists are gone, we need to figure this out on our own. Let's take a look at the artifacts, Liara." Her voice echoed in the vast hall. "We need to find the right one and get out of here as quickly as we can."

They hurried from one piece to the other. Most of them seemed to be various depictions of the goddess Athame who the temple was dedicated to. Susannah frowned at the sight of a particularly ancient one. It resembled a human cave painting and the figure of the goddess in it looked like nothing so much as-

"A Prothean." She didn't even notice she'd said it aloud until Liara looked at her, shock and apprehension in her face. "Athame looks like a Prothean here," she elaborated.

Liara shook her head. "But how can this be? It doesn't make sense, unless-" She swallowed, clearly troubled by the implications.

Susannah ignored her and walked up to the huge statue dominating the room. At first glance, it was simply the figure of a woman, lithe and graceful like everything asari. But then she felt a curious hum surrounding it. A feeling she'd had before, and under circumstances she wasn't likely to forget. Susannah took a step back, her eyes widening as the realization hit her. "There's a beacon! There's a fucking Prothean beacon in here, and they kept it secret from everyone else!"

"You don't know if that's true, Shepard." Liara sounded desperate, but Susannah didn't really listen.

_So this is why the asari evolved so much quicker than the other species. This is the secret of their cultural supremacy._ A wave of nausea hit her. _If they had shared it, we might have a much better chance to beat the Reapers now!_ The bitter taste remained in her mouth even after they'd managed to activate the beacon inside the statue. It stuck to her palate while she was listening to the Prothean VI explaining about the Crucible.

But she forgot all her resentment the moment she turned around to find herself face to face with a familiar masked figure clad in black. _Kai Leng_. Her vision went white as the memory of that fateful afternoon at the Citadel flashed before her inner eye, as vivid as one of Thane's perfect recalls. _Thane_. Her beloved friend, who had moved with such complete and utter grace even when fighting, every attack a dance of danger and death. Only, it had been his own death this time, his poor weakened body run through by Leng's sword.

She hardly listened to the Illusive Man's incoherent rambles. Talking to a hologram seemed bizarre and unreal, and anyway, she'd decided a long time ago the man was too far gone to be argued with. _Controlling the Reapers. What a load of tripe!_

When Kai Leng shut down the holo, her focus narrowed to a single small point. Here it was, her chance to get even with the smirking Cerberus bastard. His taunts didn't faze her. She knew better. She knew Thane had died bravely, she knew she could take Kai Leng in a fair fight. It was a relief when he finally shut up and attacked. She was sick of his dramatic posturing.

Yet, it wouldn't do to underestimate Kai Leng. Her shields went down with a crackling noise and she cursed under her breath.

"James! Liara! Get into cover!" They were already diving behind the low walls separating the different sections of the temple, and Susannah followed suit. "Don't let him get close to you!"

A flash of pride warmed her as she realized they had already taken up position on both sides of the temple. _Let's see how you handle this!_ Several times they managed to almost pin the assassin down, but every time he eluded them with a crazy laugh. _God, but he's fast!_ And yet, his shields were weakening. _One more hit and-_

"Commander! Gunship approaching!" James' voice, hoarse with the effort of making himself heard above the gunshots.

Susannah cursed again. _You're not going to escape this time!_ Redoubling her efforts, she fired blindly at Kai Leng's silhouette, but when the gunship took up position, she knew they were done for.

The explosion was powerful enough to shake the temple to its very foundations. Deep cracks appeared in the floor, and Susannah dropped her gun as she slid downward, toward the abyss opening up below her. On the other side of the temple, she could see James, his face contorted with fear and despair. Kai Leng strutted off toward the exit.

Then she went down.

* * *

"We were beaten, Councillor. We don't know how to finish the Crucible." Shepard's voice was toneless.

James was hovering right outside the comm room with Liara, waiting for her to come out. When the asari Councillor broke the connection, an expression of pain and shock on her perfect features, they were the only ones close enough to hear Shepard's words, spoken in a whisper. "I'm sorry, Councillor. I'm so sorry."

She looked defeated as she walked towards them, her shoulders slumped.

Liara reached out for her arm. "It's not your fault, Commander. No one could have expected-"

Her outbreak took them both by surprise. "Damn it, Liara, that bastard Kai Leng caught me unprepared. And it's my fucking job to be prepared. I'm so fucking sick of Cerberus beating us to the punch."

James took a deep breath. He'd never heard her use such language before, at least not in front of the crew, but the occasion surely warranted it. "Then let's kick them in the balls first for a change."

She froze for a moment, but when she raised her head to look at them, the glint in her eyes told him it had been the right thing to say. "Damn straight we will! Get on the case, everyone! We need to find Kai Leng. Quickly!"

As she turned to go, he was at her side in a flash, keeping his voice low enough that no one could hear him. "Lola? Can I come up with you?"

She hesitated for a heartbeat, but then nodded. "Please."

He kept his distance until they reached her cabin, staying a respectful step behind her and avoiding her gaze in the elevator, but as soon as the door closed behind them, he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight.

She was shaking with anger and frustration. "God, James, it drives me mad to be beaten by Kai Leng again. First he kills Thane, and me powerless to stop it. And now…" She swallowed, and for a moment she seemed about to cry, but somehow she managed to turn her sob into a bitter laugh. "See? Commander Shepard is not quite as perfect as you thought she was."

James chuckled against her throat. "Oh Lola. You know, in a way, that's quite a relief. Even you can't be perfect all the time." He hugged her harder, wishing he could make her feel how much he cared. "And anyway, all I care about is that you're back with me. For a moment there, I'd thought I'd lost you."

It didn't bear thinking about. When she'd slipped down over the ledge, he'd been sure he'd never see her again, never hold her in his arms anymore. It had been the worst moment of his life. Of course Commander Shepard had proven once again that she was notoriously difficult to kill, and somehow she'd managed to clamber up again, but still…

"Damn it, Lola, don't you die on me! I can't-" His voice faltered.

But Shepard pushed him back with a stern expression. "You're a marine, James. You know that's just the way it is." She shook her head. "If I wasn't prepared to die in the line of duty, I'd be a lousy soldier."

"Maybe." He took her hand, turning it around to press a fiery kiss on her palm. "But duty isn't all, _mi corazón_ , and a good soldier will also do her best to stay alive. When you go out there, I want you to remember I'm counting on you to come back."

She sighed. "Oh James. There's so much more at stake than just us. We're talking about the future of humanity here."

"I know." He caught her gaze, holding it intently. This was important. "But when the Reapers are gone and that future begins, I want you to be part of it." She didn't answer, and for a moment he felt a cold shiver race down his spine. "Please, Lola. I need you. Never forget that."

"I won't. But-" A beep from her omni-tool caught her attention. "It's Traynor. We have a lead on Kai Leng!"

 


	10. The Tiniest Chance

**Chapter 10 – The Tiniest Chance**

Susannah's teeth were clenched so hard her jaw hurt. With every bit of evidence they'd collected over the past few hours, her anger at the Illusive Man had grown, until she felt close to bursting. How could he possibly allow this? With all his talk of promoting the interests of humanity, how could he tolerate the existence of this… _facility_ on Horizon?

The sheer cynicism of the whole setup was enough to make her want to throw up. _Sanctuary_ , my foot! To lure people here with the promise of keeping them safe from the Reapers, to give them a new hope, and then to _use_ them like lab rats in experiments too horrible for words… Was this really the man she had worked for? Had he always been like this, and had she been too blind to see it, too dazzled by his persuasive words? Or had he changed, turned from a genuine advocate of human rights into a ruthless monster?

Of course he knew what was going on here. She clearly remembered the Illusive Man telling her that he took a personal interest in each and every one of Cerberus' operations. Henry Lawson might have been the driving force behind the experiments, but even so there was no way Miranda's father was acting without his boss's consent. The last video log they'd come across had made that abundantly clear.

She rounded a corner, stepping over the remnants of another husk. James and Javik were closely behind her, keeping an eye out for yet another surprise attack. The Cerberus Troopers they'd encountered at first had been easy enough to deal with, but further inside the facility the labs had been overrun by Reaper forces. Marauders, ravagers, brutes, and even banshees had attacked them from all sides, and more than once only the power of Javik's biotics had saved them.

There was an elevator ahead, and she motioned for James and Javik to get in. James made a face, and she shrugged. "I don't like it any more than you do, but we need to go up there. Miranda may need help."

_I hope we catch up with her before Kai Leng does_. Susannah was deeply worried about her friend. Of course Miranda was capable of looking after herself, but still…

When the elevator doors whooshed open, her fears were proven right. "Shepard." Miranda's voice was strained. She was down on the floor, severely injured by the looks of it.

Susannah's first impulse was to take a closer look at her wounds, but Henry Lawson's voice interrupted her. "Commander Shepard."

Her focus narrowed, everything except Lawson becoming a blur. Lawson, who was holding Oriana hostage, threatening to kill his own daughter to save his skin. Lawson, who spouted platitudes about the necessity of his disgusting experiments. Lawson, who refused to give up his hostage. Dimly she heard Miranda's pleas to save her sister, Oriana's own desperate voice, but none of it registered as she raised her gun and fired.

She had aimed for Oriana's thigh, in the hope that a direct hit would surprise Lawson into dropping her. It was a desperate gamble, but it worked. Miranda didn't hesitate for a moment. As soon as Oriana was free, she sent her father tumbling off into the abyss with a powerful biotic wave. Then she collapsed.

One look at the size of the pool of blood on the ground told Susannah it was too late to save her. Fighting back her own tears, she gathered her friend in her arms, supporting her head while Miranda said her goodbyes to her little sister, her voice growing ever weaker.

"Shepard." Susannah's grip tightened involuntarily as she heard her own name. "Before Kai Leng left, I planted a trace on him." Miranda almost smiled, though her eyes were rapidly losing focus.

Susannah stroked her cheek. "You thought of everything."

"Not everything." Miranda took a rattling breath. "Nobody's perfect. Keep Ori safe for me."

"I will." Susannah felt the pain rise in her throat, threatening to choke her as Miranda's head sank back and her body went limp. "Let's get out of here. I've had enough of this place."

* * *

This time James didn't have to ask. As soon as he'd changed and taken a shower, he went up to Shepard's cabin. He knew she needed him, needed _someone_ to bear the load with her. He'd seen the look in her eyes when Miranda died, and it had cut him like a knife. _No single person should have to suffer as much as she does._

When he came in, he found her huddled up on the couch, wearing her oldest tracksuit, her eyes red-rimmed from crying. He dropped down at her side, pulling her close and stroking her hair. "Lola. I'm so sorry."

Her shoulders shaking, she leaned into his touch. "I can't believe Miranda's gone. She was such a good friend." She gave a small, rueful laugh. "Most people thought she was cold and unfeeling, you know. But it's not true. Not at all. You know what she did for me?" James made a questioning noise, and she went on. "When Cerberus rebuilt me, the Illusive Man told them not to waste any resources on my reproductive organs. He wanted the soldier, not the woman." She laughed, but it sounded bitter. "Well, Miranda went against his orders. Thanks to her, I'll be able to have kids one day. Not that it's likely I'll get around to it." Her voice caught on a sob, and James tightened his grip on her shoulders.

"Shhhh, _mi corazón_. Don't talk like this. We'll kick Reaper ass, just like we've always done. And then, once the bastards are gone, I'll find us a nice place to settle down and we'll make some beautiful babies. If that's what you want," he quickly amended, when a sudden thought struck him. "God, Lola, I'm sorry. I never even asked whether we should take precautions-"

"It's okay." She kissed him. "I've had that taken care of for the time being. And I know we can't give up hope. It's just … Losing Miranda hurt so much. I've lost so many friends already. Thane, Mordin, Ashley, Tali. How can we expect to live on if they're gone?"

James felt his forehead wrinkle into a frown at her logic. "What do you mean? That’s not how it works. They died for us. They died in the fight against the Reapers or against Cerberus. That doesn't mean we have to do the same."

She shook her head. "I know it doesn't, but… No matter how I look at it, it's very likely that I won't survive this, that _you_ won't survive this." Her tone had become feverish. "Our chance of beating them is so slim. And I don't want to die, James. I don't want you to die. I want-"

She was openly sobbing now, her face red and blotchy and her eyes swimming with tears. When he saw her like this, James' heart went out to her. She looked so small, so vulnerable, like a frightened child. For the first time since he'd known her, he felt there was something he could do for her, something she couldn't handle on her own.

"Come here, Lola." He pulled her close, stroking her back, murmuring soothing nonsense into her hair. She clung tightly to him, shaking with tears.

"James." When she finally stopped crying, her voice sounded small and hoarse. "Thank you." Slowly she lifted her head, tracing the soaked patch on his shirt with her fingers. "I got you all wet."

"You sure did." He couldn't help but smile. "It doesn't matter. I love you anyway."

It was said lightly, but she went very still at his words. "You do?"

"You know I do." It took all his courage, but he caught her gaze and held it. "I love you so much, Lola."

There. He'd said it. For a moment her face went blank and he was afraid he'd ruined it all.

But then she sighed and pulled him in for a kiss. "James. Make love to me. Please."

* * *

His lips were warm and soft on hers, his hands tight and secure around her waist, and Susannah shivered with pleasure as he picked her up and carried her over to the bed, putting her down and straddling her carefully. _He loves me_. She was glad he didn't expect an answer from her.

Some part of her wanted to scream at him that they couldn't go there, couldn't afford it, not when they were both risking their lives on a daily basis, not when they were on their way to end it all. How could they fall in love now, when all their energies should be focussed on the fight, when there were so many bigger issues at stake?

And yet… Looking up at him as he tore off the soaked shirt, baring his massive chest, Susannah knew she had to have this, this small confirmation that they were still alive, that there were things worth living for, worth fighting for. As for her own feelings toward him...

It was more than just physical attraction; that much she knew. Sure, she adored his body, his strength and power, carefully held in check most of the time. But what really drew her to him was the tenderness in his eyes, the warmth in his voice, the sheer adorable _sweetness_ of him. If this wasn't love, it was something very close to it, and she needed this right now, needed _him_ with an intensity that made her swallow hard.

"Lola?" There it was again, that tender concern, and it almost broke her heart.

Shrugging off her shirt, she lay back on the bed, stretching her arms above her head and loving the way his eyes followed the movement, hungry and full of admiration. "Kiss me, James. Everywhere."

He made a small noise in the back of his throat. "God, Lola."

"Please, James." This time she let her voice linger on his name, arching her hips up just the tiniest bit to brush against his groin.

He groaned, and then he was above her, his weight pressing her down into the sheet while his mouth claimed her body, mapping every inch of her skin with his kisses, as if he wanted to commit it all forever to his memory. Slowly, thoroughly, he worked his way down to her waist, stopping briefly to undress her completely before he resumed his caresses.

Susannah closed her eyes and for once, she allowed herself to fall, to surrender herself to him, because here, in his arms, was the safest place in all the galaxy, the only place where she could be herself, without fears or reservations. Here, she could cry and beg and unravel. Here, she was just Lola, just a woman in the arms of her lover, not the great Commander Susannah Shepard, saviour of the galaxy. Here, nothing was expected of her but to lie back and let herself be loved.

When his exploring hands and lips reached the junction of her thighs, he paused to get rid of his remaining clothes, then he was back between her legs, breathing softly against her heat. Susannah opened her eyes to look down at him, shivering with anticipation as his fingers parted her slick folds, sliding deeper and deeper, teasing her with a promise of more. Her inner muscles clenched around them, making him tense in turn. He gazed up at her, his eyes flashing with passion, before he bent down and licked a broad, soft stripe all over her.

"Oh, God!" She cried out sharply, hips flying up from the bed in a mute entreaty for _more_. More of this delicious tingle he'd just sent through her whole body, because it felt so very, very good.

His strong hands held her down as his tongue found her again, licking, stroking, exploring, flicking against flesh that soon became too sensitive for anything but the lightest touch. She writhed under him, torn between trying to escape the sweet torture and never wanting it to stop, and she could feel the growing tension in him as he kept it up for longer than she would have believed possible.

When he finally moved up between her legs to kiss her, his muscles were taut with the effort of holding back and he hissed when she wrapped her fingers around his rock-hard cock, guiding him to her entrance. He couldn't possibly last long like this, but she was so close herself that it didn't matter. All that counted was to have him inside her, to feel that incomparable closeness.

She found his mouth again, kissing him, holding him as tightly as she could while she pushed him deeper, whimpering against his mouth as he slowly filled her.

"Lola, I can't-" He hid his face against her neck for a moment, trembling like a leaf. "Not much longer."

She crossed her legs behind his back, breathing a kiss against his forehead. "Let go." It was barely a whisper, and she had to repeat it before it registered with him. "Let it go, James. Go ahead. I'm ready."

A low whine escaped his throat at her words. For a moment, he pulled her even closer, but then he pushed himself up above her so he could move freely, letting his need take over. He was wholly beautiful like this, Susannah thought, his movements full of natural, instinctual grace as he pounded into her, hard and fast. And then she lost all capacity for coherent thought as he tilted her hips the tiniest bit and suddenly every thrust of his hit home so perfectly that it took her only seconds to scream her release, pleasure flooding every cell of her body.

He collapsed on top of her moments later with a final hoarse groan, pushing so deep inside her that it hurt. But God, she wanted him there, as deep as he could go, so close, so tight, and she never ever wanted to let go of him again. For long minutes she clung to him, breathing hard and fast against his neck, and he didn't complain, just held her close.

"Lola. _Mi amor_." When they separated, it was only far enough for him to roll over on his back, pulling her into the nook of his arm again.

She closed her eyes, already dozing off. _He loves me_. Susannah knew their chance for a happy future together was so slim as to be almost non-existent. But right here, she knew she was willing to fight for it. _If there's just the tiniest chance…_

 


	11. Old Scores

**Chapter 11 – Old Scores**

He found her at the Memorial Wall, studying the plaques with a look of intense concentration, as if she didn't know them all by heart: Mordin Solus, Ashley Williams, Thane Krios. Miranda Lawson's was the last, still shiny and new. They had put it up last night, in a simple but heart-breaking ceremony Shepard had insisted on.

"I know we don't have any time to lose, but it's not as if there's anything else we can do while we're chasing Kai Leng. And this is important. She deserves to be remembered."

One of the engineers had muttered something about the wall being no place for Cerberus operatives, but Shepard had silenced him with an icy glare. She was very quiet now, a far-away look in her eyes as she traced the new plaque with her fingers.

James stepped close behind her, embracing her and breathing softly against her neck. "Lola. Are you all right?"

She shook her head. "No. But I will be once we've hunted Leng down."

He hesitated for a moment, but decided to speak his mind. "You know, the thing about revenge... It doesn't help. I've been there."

She nodded, leaning back into his touch. "I know. But this isn't about revenge. Well, not so much," she amended. "It's about making sure his career ends here and now. I'm not losing anyone else to that smooth-talking bastard."

Her hand had moved up and was touching Thane's name now, almost caressing it. James reached up to follow the movement. "Thane Krios. The assassin. You don't talk much about him."

He had never met Krios, but he hadn't missed the way Shepard's face softened when she talked about him, and he was curious.

"He was… special. A lethal killing machine if he put his mind to it, but at the same time a philosopher, a thinker, deeply religious." Her lips twitched up in the ghost of a smile. "Damnably attractive, too. An amazing body, all poise and muscle, and lovely dark eyes. I had quite the crush on him."

"But nothing ever came of it?" James felt his grip tighten and realized some small part of him was jealous. "Why? You're not usually that shy, and you definitely had no trouble persuading me."

She grinned at the reminder of their first night together but grew serious again in a heartbeat. "True, and Thane might even have been interested. But he was still very much in love with his wife you know, even though she'd been dead for years. I… didn't feel I could compete with her in the long run."

He buried his face in her hair, inhaling her scent. "Really? Even years after her death? I think you're selling yourself short. Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

Shepard shook her head. "He had perfect recall, you know. Which means he could still remember every single moment he'd ever spent with her. Every kiss, every quarrel, every embrace. No paling memories for drells." She shuddered. "Just imagine, having to live with that. All the pain of losing her, still as fresh and vivid as on the first day…" Her voice failed her.

"Lola. Don't!" James was about to turn her around so he could kiss her, when her omni-tool pinged.

Her expression immediately grew alert. "It's Hackett. I have to get to the comm room."

* * *

"Shepard. Is it true you've found the Illusive Man's base? Is it time to set the fleet on him?" The admiral sounded worried.

Susannah nodded. "Yes, sir. We're following Kai Leng's trail, and from the looks of it he's leading us straight to his boss's lair. And I can't say I mind. I have quite a few scores to settle here."

And that was probably the understatement of the century. The tally went all the way back to Akuze, when her unit had been lost thanks to a Cerberus _experiment_. And afterwards… More of her friends and crew than she cared to remember had fallen victim to the Illusive Man's schemes over time. Not to mention the many times when she'd clenched her teeth in frustration at having to follow yet another of his orders.

"Of course you do, Shepard." Hackett's tone was dry. "And I won't try to stop you. But you have to realize that if we go in now, the Reapers will take notice of our plans for the Crucible."

"Is it finished? Are we ready to strike?" Susannah felt a shiver travel down her spine. _This is it. We're getting close._ For so long they had struggled, followed every minute lead that might help them beat the Reapers, and now they were finally there. Well, almost there. Her mood darkened at the thought of Cerberus' intervention on Thessia.

"It's finished, except for the Catalyst." She had never seen Hackett smile, but this time he looked even more grim than usual. "Shepard, we need the data Kai Leng stole. And we need it now. The fleet is ready to attack Cerberus, and once we're engaged in battle, there will be no going back. The next step will be Earth."

"Understood, sir. We will get the data. And we're ready. For anything." Susannah straightened up.

"Good." Still no smile, but there was a hint of warmth in the admiral's voice. "Hackett out."

As his image faded, she took a deep breath _. I wish I was as confident as I just pretended to be._ What if she couldn't retrieve the information they needed? What if the Prothean VI was somewhere else? And even if she found it, what if it didn't contain the vital clues about the Catalyst they needed so desperately?

For a moment she felt very tired. Her nightmares were back, with a vengeance, and she'd been grateful for James' reassuring presence last night. Thinking of him put a smile on her face, though. On impulse, she decided she would take James with her when the time came to fight the Illusive Man. It would be good to have him there, as a reminder of what she was fighting for. Susannah raised her chin, feeling her determination return. _I won't give up so close to the end!_

* * *

James ducked behind a container, reaching for his ammo pack. _Madre! More trouble._ The Cerberus troops seemed highly motivated, and no wonder. Now that Shepard was taking the fight to the Illusive Man's own backyard, they had every reason to give their best. Wave after wave of Troopers and Centurions was throwing themselves at the intruders, armed with the best the Cerberus arsenal had to offer, from sniper rifles to huge Atlas mechs.

He felt the adrenaline pumping wildly through his veins as he grinned over at EDI. "They just keep coming, like fish in a barrel! Maybe I can do three at a time." A wild laugh rose from his throat.

EDI dispatched a Nemesis with a straight shot before taking the time to answer. "I don't think that would be a sound strategy, Lieutenant. Besides, your weapon isn't designed for taking out multiple enemies at once."

James rolled his eyes, but then the next wave of attackers appeared and his focus was back on the fight, until a massive explosion told him Shepard had been successful in blasting through the doors. Whooping, he followed her down the hallway. _Here we go!_

He caught up with her at a row of terminals where she was listening to a Cerberus log. He only managed to hear a few snatches at the end, but it was enough to explain the stony expression her face. _The Lazarus Project._ Her pain and frustration at this reminder of her death and Cerberus' role in reviving her were impossible to miss.

He knew he had to snap her out of it. "Commander!" She spun around to face him, and he quickly continued. "It doesn't matter. You're here to kick the Illusive Man's ass now."

For a second she seemed to see right through him, but then she shook herself like a wet dog and nodded curtly. "Right, Lieutenant. Let's go."

They pressed forward, all too aware there was no time to lose. Parts of the station were on fire, but the Cerberus attacks showed no sign of letting up. On and on they went, through halls and tunnels, past several grisly reminders of Cerberus' activities. The Troopers were joined by Phantoms now, which he hated with a passion. _Damn jumpers with their stupid swords_! Sweat ran down his back under his suit, and deep down inside he knew he wouldn't be able to keep up the pace much longer.

But damn, it was great to watch Shepard in action! Once more he was reminded of why he had been so star-struck by her in the beginning. With unrelenting focus she fired and re-loaded, using her tech skills to take out enemy shields, never losing sight of the bigger picture, always alert for new dangers. _She really is the best damn soldier in all of the Alliance._ And she looked good in armour too, fit and taut and sexy. Pride swelled inside him, accompanied by a sudden sharp spike of _want_ , and he had to make a conscious effort not to get distracted.

They made their way along a hallway and up a ramp, when Shepard stopped in her tracks. "This is it. I recognize this place." Her lips turned down in a sneer as she walked toward the big panoramic window and sank down in the comfy armchair. "It seems the bird has flown, though." She gestured at EDI. "Can you do a scan? We need to find the Prothean VI before-"

A disembodied voice interrupted her. "Shepard. You're in my chair."

* * *

Standing over the assassin's prone body, her omni-blade dripping blood, Shepard was breathing hard. Her hair had come loose, framing her face like an aureole, and her eyes flashed fire. "That was for Thane and Miranda, you son of a bitch." She looked like an avenging angel.

Then she turned to face him, and she became human again. Now he could see the lines of fatigue around her eyes, the slump in her shoulders. She closed her eyes and swayed on her feet, and he was at her side in a flash.

But before he could support her, she was already back to form, holding him off with a gesture. "I'm all right, James."

She wasn't. Blood seeped from under the shoulder plate of her armour, and there was a nasty burn on her cheek, but he knew better than to point it out. Besides, he trusted she knew what she was doing. As soon as they got back to the Normandy, Chakwas would take care of her injuries.

Looking around the room, James tried to make sense of what had happened. Things had come to a head far quicker than he had expected. Shepard's conversation with the Illusive Man had brought few new insights, and she had seemed impatient to get it over with. He couldn't blame her. She was probably sick of talking to holograms by now.

Then EDI had found the Prothean VI, and the Illusive Man's ramblings had lost all importance compared to the enormity of what the thing had to say about the Catalyst. Even now he had trouble processing the information. _The Citadel?_ How could the whole station be part of a weapon against the Reapers? It boggled the mind. And the Citadel was no longer in its place, but orbiting Earth? He had a bad feeling about this.

They had already been set to leave for Earth, when Kai Leng had shown up. Shepard had been more than ready for him, but of course he hadn't been alone. Which was a pity, because it would have been amazing to have a chance to watch those two fight. Instead James had done his best to fight off Phantoms and Nemeses, only catching occasional glimpses of the main action. He'd had reasons to thank his lucky stars for EDI's presence more than once, but in the end they had prevailed.

And now Kai Leng was gone, having gambled away what little chance he'd had of mercy at her hands when he attacked her from behind. This time, Shepard had come out victorious, and the satisfaction about this outcome was written plainly on her features. She had never been more beautiful.

"Commander." _Lola._ He fought back the urge to grab her and kiss her hard. "You did it."

Shepard nodded grimly. " _We_ did it. And much as I'd love to celebrate this …" She kicked Leng's corpse twice for good measure. "We're in too much of a hurry. Set a course for Earth, EDI."


	12. A One-Way Trip

**Chapter 12 – A One-Way Trip**

Susannah had expected things to look bad on Earth. She hadn't expected them to look _quite_ so bad. Looking around the Forward Operating Base, she shivered. Even in this comparatively safe space, the sheer scale of destruction was daunting.

What chance did they have against an enemy like the Reapers? How could they hope to prevail where the turians and asari had failed? Both Palaven and Thessia were irrevocably lost, and there was no reason to believe Earth wouldn't share their fate in due course.

Maybe if everything had gone according to plan… But so far the Hammer team had suffered so many setbacks that their original plan had become blurred and unreal. Sure, they'd taken out the Hades Cannon eventually, but they had lost far too many good soldiers in the process. She wasn't even sure if Steve was still alive. It seemed unlikely he had survived the damage to the shuttle.

Still, she owed it to him to try. Making her way over to the vidcomm terminal, she asked to be connected to Lieutenant Cortez, secretly convinced it was hopeless.

"Commander?" The sound of his voice from the comm brought tears to her eyes.

"Steve. You made it." She was shaking, but it was from relief, not from grief this time.

"Sure did." Susannah could _hear_ the grin in his voice. "Thanks to you, Commander. I wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for you. You gave me back the will to live, Shepard, and I'm glad I get the chance to thank you."

Swallowing hard, Susannah mumbled her goodbyes and logged off, shaking her head when the Comm officer asked her if she wanted to talk to anyone else. It was tempting to call up her surviving friends. Jack, Samara, Kasumi, maybe Zaeed. To hear their voices, know they were still there, would still be there, even if… But what was the point, really? She didn't want more thanks, couldn't deal with any kind of pep talk. Not now.

With a sigh, she turned away from the terminal and headed for Anderson's headquarters. Garrus was there, together with Primarch Victus. As always, she was grateful for the turian approach to death and danger. Her old friend could be relied on to send her off with a sarcastic quip. She didn't have to fear any sentimentality from Javik or Wrex either, and she was glad. She much preferred their way to any tearful goodbyes.

Anderson was already waiting for her. Together they went through the plan once more. The admiral seemed eerily calm and relaxed. "Who will you be taking with you?"

"Major Alenko and Lieutenant Vega." She didn't bother to elaborate. They both knew her squad selection made sense in terms of tactics; a biotic and a fighting machine, complementing her own tech skills.

If Anderson realized that the men she picked were also the only ones ever to touch her heart, he didn't comment. He just gave her an approving nod and sent her on her way.

She was almost out of the door, when Liara called her over. The asari smiled at her shyly. "Shepard. I just wanted to say… Whatever happens in there, I will make sure you're not forgotten. Remember the time capsules I created? Future generations will know about the many sacrifices you've made."

_Including the final one._ Susannah heard the words as clearly as if Liara had spoken them aloud, and for a moment she wondered if this was a residual aftereffect of their earlier mind melds. But it was probably just her own brain supplying the growing certainty that there was no way to come out of this alive. _This is a one-way trip._

* * *

He was right behind her, all the way up to the Conduit, making sure none of the Banshees and Marauders ever got too close. He had her back, he'd always have her back, because he'd sworn to himself he'd never leave her unprotected. And now they were close. They'd done it again, beaten odds that had seemed unsurmountable, and they were nearly there. _Dios, do we really have a chance? Is this even possible?_ On impulse, James quickened his pace and caught up with Shepard.

Not a moment too soon. Right in front of them, a familiar shape rose from the ground. _Harbinger. How many times do we have to kill the bastard?_ On his left he felt the tingle of Kaidan's biotics as the major powered up for another strike. But before James could duck into cover, something exploded, right next to him and the world went dark for a second. He must have cried out, because when he opened his eyes, Shepard was there right in front of him, her forehead creased with worry.

"Shit." She motioned for Kaidan to join them. "Quick. Get him out of here."

The major's leg was bleeding, but he was at James' side in a flash and supported him toward… _the Normandy_? Somehow, impossibly so, the ship had turned up right beside them. Shepard looked up at the sky, an expression of single-minded focus on her beautiful face. Without the slightest hesitation, she turned away to advance toward the Conduit. She was limping too, and the area was still swarming with husks.

"Lola!" James shook his head, trying to shake off Kaidan's grip. "Damn it, you can't go in there alone!"

"James. You need to get out. Now!" She looked back at him over her shoulder, all perched to run, but for a moment her features softened. "I love you."

Then she was off, and he practically dislocated Kaidan's shoulder in his wild attempt to tear himself away to go after her. Because in that moment he _knew_. Knew why she'd finally said it. Knew she didn't expect to come back. He raved like a madman, and Kaidan cursed violently, clinging to him like a burr until Garrus appeared and got a hold on his other arm. Together they dragged him back. The noise of the closing hatch hit him with brutal finality.

"She's gone." He dropped to the floor, the sudden slump in adrenaline leaving him boneless. "She's gone."

"Get it together, Vega." Garrus was doing his best to appear cool, but James had become a lot better at reading the inflections of the turian's voice, and he recognized a despair rivalling his own. "She's our only chance. If anyone can do it-"

"I know she can do it." James realized his face was wet from crying, but he didn't feel a thing. "But she won't be back. You know it just as well as I do."

Kaidan placed a calming hand on his shoulder. "You can't be sure, James. There may be a chance."

But he could see the glances the other two men exchanged. Shrugging Kaidan off, he got to his feet. The pain ate at his insides, clawing at his heart like a wild beast, and his thoughts seemed locked in a never-ending loop. _She's gone. Lola. My love. She's gone._

Dimly he realized they were taking him to the med bay. He followed them meekly. Blood was leaking from a gash in his armour, so he figured he needed treatment. _Whatever_. Maybe he could get Chakwas to give him some painkillers, something strong to knock him out for a while. Anything to dull the ache in his guts. _She's gone and she won't come back._

* * *

_He's gone. The Illusive Man is gone._ Susannah shook her head in disbelief, looking down on the corpse at her feet, fighting off the feeling of disgust at the sight of his disfigured face.

It was hard to reconcile the lifeless body with the man who had pulled her strings for so long. He'd always seemed above such human concerns as death and illness, a silent, deadly power that had always been there in the background. But even he had underestimated the power of Reaper mind control. Like so many before him, he'd succumbed to their indoctrination and believed he could control them. And now he was gone and the way was clear.

She dragged herself over to the console, ignoring the stab of pain in her left leg, and scanned the display. The mechanism seemed straightforward enough. Quickly she entered the start code and stepped back to watch the arms of the Citadel open.

"Shepard. That's quite a view." Anderson's voice from behind, weak and trembling.

_Shit! What were you thinking, Susannah?_ She was at his side in a flash, reaching for her emergency supply of medi-gel. "Let me take care of this."

He was bleeding profusely from his stomach wound, and there were bound to be injuries she couldn't see, but with the gel he'd have a chance of surviving until she could get him out of here. Without hesitation, she tore away his uniform, flinching when she saw how deep the wound was. Still, with a little luck…

"Leave it be, Shepard. It's useless and you know it. God, it feels like years since I just sat down." He tried to push her hand aside, but her lips were already settling into a determined line.

"No. I won't have you die on me, like all the others. We're almost through this." She had just succeeded in patching him up and made a start on her own leg injury, when she heard a crackle over her intercom.

"Shepard. Commander." Hackett's voice, with an undertone of despair. "Nothing's happening. The Crucible is not firing. It must be something on your end."

"Shit." She was on her feet already, about to head for the console.

But Anderson took hold of her wrist, his grip surprisingly firm. "Shepard. Let me deal with this. Get out of here."

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "What do you mean? This is my job, Anderson, and you know it."

But to her surprise he didn't let go. "No. It isn't." He shook his head. "You have people who wait for you, who care for you."

An image of James' face flashed before her inner eye, but she shook herself, chasing it away. "So do you. What about-"

"Kahlee? We had our chance and wasted it. No reason for you to make the same mistake. And with this-" He glanced down at his bandaged stomach with a pained grimace. "I'm as good as gone anyway, child. But you still have a chance. And the Galaxy will need you. Let me do this for you. Please."

Susannah blinked away a tear at the expression on his face, but at the same time she tried to wiggle out of his grasp. "I can do it!"

He let go, but he got to his feet, and the look in his eyes held her back just as effectively. "I know you can. But so can I."

She bit her lip. "Look, even if I wanted to… There's no way out of here anyway."

Anderson snorted, though it was obvious it caused him pain. "Don't you believe it! Do you honestly think the Illusive Man would have come here without a backup plan?" He motioned with his head toward a corridor leading away from them. "About twenty paces in that direction you'll find an emergency capsule. It's probably set to travel to some Cerberus base, but with your tech skills, you should have no trouble signalling the Normandy instead."

She hesitated, his earlier words echoing in her mind. _You have people who care for you._ She could see their faces before her, the way they'd looked at her earlier. Garrus, Wrex, Steve, Liara, even Kaidan. And James.

Anderson smiled despite the pain. He'd always been able to read her face. "Go. Run. I promise I'll take care of this, but you need to hurry."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him head for the console, tapping his ear and barking at Hackett on the other side of the line. Her throat constricted painfully. But he was right. She needed to hurry.

The capsule was easy to find. Squeezing herself into the tiny space, she grabbed the control display, her fingers dancing across the rows of numbers, while the hatch was closing behind her. Curling up in the seat, she realized her leg felt sticky and warm again, and she was tired, so tired. _Anderson… I never told him…_ Her eyes fell shut as the capsule shot out into space.


	13. Healing

**Chapter 13 – Healing**

She was flat on her back, lying on a firm surface. Firm, but not uncomfortable. Very slowly, Susannah tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids felt dry and heavy and seemed to resist her efforts. But she persisted, and fortunately the light that greeted her was muted. There had been too many occasions in her life when she'd woken up to the bright blinding light of a hospital room.

And yet, the smell of medi-gel surrounding her was unmistakable, as was the sticky feeling on the skin of her stomach and legs. Someone had removed her armour, and she was wearing a thin shift over her various bandages. When she moved her right hand, it got tangled in a set of tubes attached to her veins. Susannah winced at the sudden onslaught of pain when she tried to lift her legs.

"Careful, Commander." Oh my God, was that Chakwas' voice? Even through the haze still shrouding her brain, Susannah knew that was good news. Whatever else had happened, she was back on the Normandy, with her trusted crew.

A strong arm wrapped itself around her shoulders, helping her to sit up. "It's alright, Lola. I've got you."

She blinked once, twice, because suddenly her eyes were full of tears. "James?"

"Shhhh." His lips were warm and gentle against her temple. "It's all good, _mi corazón._ You're here, with me." He was obviously trying to sound calm and collected, but he nearly choked on the last words, and she felt him tremble against her back. "You're safe."

With a little effort she managed to turn her head and was rewarded with the sight of his smiling face. "James." It seemed as if she should say more, but she didn't have the words.

Turning back, she saw Chakwas step up to her bed, a bright smile on her lined face. "Commander Shepard. Welcome back among the living."

The doctor picked up her hand to feel her pulse, then did a few more checks before withdrawing discreetly to the other end of the room. It took a while until Susannah's head cleared enough to understand the implications of her being here, but then her eyes widened in sudden shock and recognition. "Anderson is dead, isn't he?"

James nodded, holding her gaze even though it couldn't be easy. Susannah swallowed. "And the Reapers? Did we… win?"

"Kind of. The war is over, and the Reapers..." James was visibly uncomfortable. "Look, Admiral Hackett can explain it far better than I could."

"Hackett?" Susannah frowned. "Is he here? And where are we anyway?"

"No, he isn't." James shook his head. "We're stranded somewhere out in the Shrike Abyssal, on a small planet that hasn't been charted yet. Up until a few days ago, we had no clue what had happened. Then EDI managed to patch us through to the fleet. The connection is patchy, but Admiral Hackett insisted we let him talk to you as soon as you wake, so he can tell you all you need to know." He swallowed briefly. "He… apparently Admiral Anderson and he kept up the radio connection after you left. He heard it all."

_He heard it all._ Susannah's head was swirling. What had happened up there on the Citadel? And if the war was over, why had James been so unwilling to talk about it? _Up until a few days ago,_ he'd said. So had she been out for several days? And what did Hackett want to tell her? Some part of her wanted to avoid it all, to just close her eyes and go back to sleep, safe and secure in James' embrace. But she'd never been a coward. She would talk to Hackett now and find out what was going on.

They hooked her up to the Admiral from her sick bed. She felt embarrassed about taking the call like this, propped up with cushions, covered in bandages and dressed in a nightshirt, but she was too curious to worry overmuch about it. And of course Hackett's face showed nothing but sincere concern when he greeted her.

She listened intently, eager for some sort of explanation, even though it was hard to drown out the thrumming in her brain. _Anderson's dead. Anderson's gone. And I'm here._ It was hard to make sense of Hackett's words. _A choice to be made… a new framework… synthesis… a chain reaction… the Mass Relays damaged by the burst of energy… peace… the end of the cycle…_

When Hackett fell silent, Susannah inhaled deeply. "So let me see if I got this right?" She knew she sounded incredulous, but she didn't care. "Admiral Anderson had the choice between three possible outcomes; either destroy all synthetic life, or take control of the Reapers, or change everyone's DNA to incorporate synthetic elements?"

Hackett nodded. "In a nutshell."

"And he chose the last one?" Again Hackett nodded, silently.

Susannah felt utterly bewildered. "So that means each and every one of us is part synthetic now? You, me, my whole crew?"

"Well, that is part of it, yes. At the same time, all synthetics now have part of Anderson's _organic energy_ – whatever that means. There's no clear divide anymore." Hackett sounded tentative, as if he himself couldn't believe what he was saying. "But most importantly, the Reapers have stopped their so-called harvest. The war is over."

"But that doesn't make sense." Susannah shook her head. "I know… I knew Anderson! He'd vowed to defeat the Reapers. He devoted his whole life to driving them back into whatever black hole they came from. Do you expect me to believe he'd pass up a chance to destroy them?"

Hackett shook his head. "Don't forget that destroying all synthetic life would have meant killing you too, Shepard. You have far too many cybernetic enhancements to survive without them. Anderson could never have sentenced you to your death."

"So you're telling me the future of the galaxy was decided by Anderson's sentimental attachment to me?" Susannah felt nauseated.

"Don't, Shepard!" Hackett's tone was sharp. "Don't you dare call David Anderson _sentimental_! It's not that simple. Don't you dare devalue what he did like this! True, he loved you like a daughter, and he believed that humanity would need you in the future. But there were other things to consider too. Who knows what the destruction of all synthetic life would have meant for the galaxy? The way things are now, the Reapers are actually helping us rebuild the damaged relays. And they are sharing their knowledge with us. It's… mind-boggling, to say the least." He made a strangled noise. "Admiral Anderson made a difficult decision up there, and I for one am not going to question it."

_He also spared me from having to make it._ Susannah swallowed. Part of her rebelled against the way Anderson had taken that responsibility from her. _I could have done it._ And yet another part was immensely relieved. _To carry the weight of all this on my shoulders…_

Not to mention that she wouldn't be alive now, wouldn't be here to have this discussion. If Anderson hadn't stepped in and sacrificed himself, James would be grieving for her now, putting up a plaque in her honour on the ship's Memorial Wall. Just imagining the pain on his face made her throat go tight.

She realized Hackett was still waiting for her answer. "I… apologize, sir. It's a lot to take in."

"It certainly is." The admiral's weathered face grew marginally softer. "Take your time to recover, Shepard. It will be a while until space travel is back to normal anyway. Hackett out."

* * *

James wiped the sweat off his brow, cursing the planet's warm and humid climate. It was hot enough to melt, especially now that the environmental controls were down for some much needed maintenance. Shepard's cabin with its large glass roof had warmed up like a greenhouse until Kaidan had had the bright idea to cover it with leaves. He tossed around on the bed, trying to find a cool spot on the linens. _Why did we have to end up here, of all places?_

He second-guessed himself immediately, though. _Would you have preferred ice and snow, pendejo?_ Though, come to think of it, it might have been nice to huddle up under a blanket with Lola, sharing the warmth. Right then she got up from her seat at the desk and walked toward him, dressed in nothing but an old, over-sized t-shirt she'd borrowed from him and a pair of N7 panties. He mentally shook his head, grinning happily. _No. Hot weather is fine with me._

She flopped down at his side, flinching in pain when her body reminded her that she was still not back to her usual form. He pulled her close and kissed her, but had to let go of her almost right away. _Too sticky_. With a sigh, he rolled on his stomach, his mind wandering off on another tangent.

"What's the matter, James? Why are you staring at your arm like that?" Shepard nudged him teasingly. "Anything wrong?"

"I still can't wrap my mind around it, you know." When she raised an inquiring eyebrow, he didn't quite manage to suppress his shudder. "Synthetic DNA. What does that even mean? Is this still _my_ body? Am I still human?"

She raised an eyebrow, running a calming hand along his arm. "Of course you are." When he made a small, doubting noise, she sighed impatiently. "For heaven's sake, James, look at me! I've been part synthetic in all the time you've known me. Did this make me less human in your eyes?"

There was an undercurrent of concern in her voice, under the thin veneer of pragmatism, and suddenly he felt ashamed. "Lola, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be." Her smile was a tad strained. "I know it's difficult to take in, trust me. When Cerberus rebuilt me, I spent weeks staring at my reflection in the mirror, trying to sort out if it was me or some robot. But look at it like this: Without my cybernetic implants, I'd never have survived my injuries. At least that's what Chakwas told me." She gestured toward her thigh.

James followed her gaze, shivering at the sight of the deep scars covering it. When they'd pulled her unconscious body out of the capsule, her uniform had been soaked in blood. They'd had to cut it off her body. He'd seen his share of battle injuries, like any good marine, but never anything on that scale. Well, not on a soldier who had lived to tell the tale.

"It's a mess, isn't it?" Susannah was still trying to smile but the strain had become more obvious. "The doctor said, once all the systems in the med bay are up and running again, she'll be able do something about the scarring."

"Shhhh." James bent down to trace the net of lines with his mouth. "Don't worry. I don't mind them and you're still as beautiful as ever. I just hate to be reminded how close I've come to losing you."

"Yeah, well." She tensed under his touch. "If Anderson hadn't interfered-" Breaking off, she closed her eyes, squeezing back tears. "I… James, I still feel it should have been me. It was _my_ job, damn it, and I should have seen it through."

James sat up abruptly, almost overcome with anger for a moment. "Do you even realize what you're saying?"

"I'm sorry." She reached out to him with a trembling hand, her tears flowing freely now. "I don't mean to say… It's just that I feel I've failed him somehow. Failed you all. Ashley, Thane, Miranda, Tali… They all sacrificed themselves for our cause, and I… I turned and ran."

"You didn't run." He shook himself impatiently. "You didn't desert your post. You left the task in capable hands."

"But that's just it." She wiped the tears off with a choked sound. "Why did Anderson offer to take my place? He didn't trust me to make this decision. He didn't think he could rely on me to do the right thing."

"That is the most stupid-" James caught himself just in time. "I'm sorry, Lola. But really, you should know Anderson better than that." Gently he pulled her into his lap, ignoring the heat and the stickiness. "He believed in you. Through thick and thin, even when no one else did. Of course he trusted you. Didn't he show you, over and over again? When Udina accused you of treason, when the Council abandoned you? Anderson had your back, all the time." He kissed her forehead, almost chastely. "This wasn't about trust. He wanted you to live, _mi corazón_. He wanted you to come back to us. Do you even know how many people were praying for your safe return? Do you have the slightest idea what losing you would have done to us all? To me?"

Susannah swallowed hard, and when she looked at him, the expression in her eyes took his breath away. "I know, James. It's why I agreed to come back. I didn't want to leave you. That's why I came back."

His heart was beating wildly. "I'm so glad you did, Lola. And now that you're here, I hope you'll never leave me again."

"Never." A tentative smile had returned to her face. "You're stuck with me, _cariño_."

"Good." He kissed her again, on the lips this time. "I'm not letting you go anyway. I love you, Lola."

"And I love you." She pressed her forehead to his, holding his gaze, and he held his breath. "I love you so much, James."

Their kiss seemed to last forever, and when he broke it, she was smiling openly. "Remember what you said after Miranda's death?"

He struggled for a moment, unsure of what she was referring to. "After… You mean the bit about the two of us settling down somewhere and-"

"And making beautiful babies." She finished for him. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but my mother is the traditional sort. She would be terribly disappointed if I presented her with grandkids without getting married first."

James gasped. "Is this a proposal, Commander Shepard?"

"I'm not sure." Her eyes were twinkling mischievously, but there was a slight tremble to her voice, betraying an underlying uncertainty. "Would you say yes?"

"Do you even have to ask?" The happiness rising within him made his throat go tight. "But how-"

"We'll find a way." Her face bore its familiar determined expression. "If you want this as much as I do. Do you?"

Taking her hand, he squeezed it hard. "I do, Lola. With all my heart."


	14. A Newer World

**Chapter 14 - A Newer World**

"I'm glad to hear the repairs on the Normandy are almost done, Commander. We look forward to welcoming you here on Lunar Base." Admiral Hackett coughed briefly. "Dr Chakwas told me you're ready to resume active duty."

"Thank you, sir. Yes, I feel fine." Susannah took a deep breath. It was more or less true. Her leg still hurt on occasion, but she had taken up her fitness regimen again, and she was eager to take back the reins.

"Good. However, there's one other thing." Hackett's face turned stern. "From what I've heard, you have a… situation there on board that's incompatible with Alliance regulations. Is that correct?"

_Shit_. She should have known it was too good to last. Fighting back a blush, she nodded. "That is correct, sir. But Lieutenant Vega-"

"I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I can't turn a blind eye to this, Shepard. The war is over. We have to get back to normal." The crisp, clipped voice carried a distinct undertone of reproof.

"Of course, sir." Susannah swallowed, but she kept her gaze straight ahead.

"The way I see it, Lieutenant Vega will have to transfer to another ship in due course," Hackett continued. "Until then, there's only one thing I can do."

"Sir?" Her heart was beating wildly. This sounded ominous. She didn't want to be separated from James. Not right now. She knew it was unavoidable in the long run. But-

"I have to relieve you of your command of the Normandy. Major Alenko will remain in charge until you have come up with a better solution." Was that a wink? Susannah wasn't sure. "I'm sure you can work something out, Commander. Hackett out."

Susannah slumped back into her chair. _Major Alenko will remain in charge. Of course._ Kaidan had taken over command of the ship while she was out of action. It was the obvious solution. Still, it hurt. She'd come to regard the Normandy as hers. _My ship. My baby._

Reaching for the comm link again, she sighed deeply. "Kaidan? Could you come up to my cabin? We need to talk."

The conversation turned out far easier than she had feared. Kaidan was utterly calm and relaxed about the whole thing. "It's just a formality, Susannah. You know it as well as I do. The Normandy's still your ship, and I wouldn't want to take her from you. Besides …" Was that a blush on his face? "I'd be facing much the same problem as you in the long run. Steve and I-"

Susannah didn't bother to hide her delighted grin. "Really? Well, it's a good thing Hackett doesn't know about this."

"True." Kaidan bit his lip. "But, you know, I was talking to James last night and he happened to mention your plans for the future. And seeing as I am in command of this ship for the time being, there is actually something I could do for the two of you."

"You mean-" Susannah held her breath.

"I double-checked the regulations." Kaidan took her hand. "If you want, I can marry the two of you, as soon as you want. Just let me know."

"Kaidan! You-" Catching his gaze, she swallowed back a tear. She didn't have the words to tell him how much this meant to her. But she was pretty sure he knew anyway.

* * *

"You're NOT carrying me over the threshold." Susannah sounded so indignant James had to bite back a grin. "This is _my_ cabin."

"Well, technically it's Kaidan's now," James amended dryly. "Nice of him to let us keep it for our honeymoon."

But he put her down to the floor and let her walk in on her own. She might be his wife now, but she was still first and foremost Commander Shepard. And when he'd spoken his wedding vows, he had meant every word of it. _I will trust, respect and support you_ _._ Forever.

The ceremony in the shuttle bay had been everything they could have dreamt of. Kaidan had fulfilled his role beautifully, his face earnest, yet full of genuine affection. They'd been surrounded by their friends and crew, everyone sharing in their happiness. Garrus had been her best man, and Steve his, and afterwards the pilot had taken them for a ride in the shuttle, with a _just married_ banner affixed to the back. There'd been laughter and teasing and good food. A perfect day.

And now the Normandy was on her way to Lunar Base. They were alone and Shepard was walking down the steps in front of him, her hips swinging seductively. Locking the door behind him, he followed her eagerly. She spun around to face him, and he was just about to pull her in his arms, when she lost her footing and tumbled backwards.

He lunged after her, but ended up nearly hitting the cabin's wall. "Ouch!"

"EDI?" Shepard looked around in confusion. "What's going on here?"

_"Oops, Commander, it seems some of the gravitational systems need further calibrating. I can't think why-"_ The disembodied voice was practically dripping with regret.

"You're doing this on purpose!" Shepard's face was flushed with anger.

_"Me? On purpose?"_ It shouldn't have been possible for an AI to communicate such an air of wounded innocence. Especially when the sentiment was clearly fake.

Shepard took a deep breath, ready to launch into a furious rant.

Catching her in his arms and pulling her close, James breathed a feather light kiss on her neck. "Lola. Let them have their fun." The kiss turned more insistent as his hands tightened around their waist and he whispered in her ear. "I'm pretty sure the last laugh will be on us." Raising his voice again, he addressed their invisible audience. "EDI. Give us some privacy, please. Now."

_"Of course, Lieutenant."_ There was genuine warmth in the mechanical inflections.

Shepard shook her head. "Really, Joker is such a bad influence on her." But she was soft as putty in his arms now, her faint grumble of protest turning into a long drawn-out moan as he licked her earlobe.

Getting naked was no easy feat, though, with all the wobbling and bouncing brought about by the unstable gravity setting. When an attempt to open her bra clasp nearly catapulted Shepard into a somersault, she dissolved into helpless giggles.

"Lola!" He tried to remain serious, to preserve the mood, but it was no use. He was entangled in one pants leg, unable to find the leverage to get it off, and the sight of him sent her into further fits of laughter.

For a moment he, too, cursed EDI and Joker for their practical joke. But then amusement won out. "Come here."

Together they managed to peel each other out of their clothes, and from then on things got a lot easier. Holding on to the bedframe for stability, she wrapped her legs around his neck. He smiled as an idea hit him. Once he had her in a secure grip, he started lapping at her, and when she cried out, he gently nudged her hands loose. "Let go, Lola."

A tiny push of his feet sent them both up in the air, his tongue still teasing her shivering flesh. "God, James." Her voice was dreamy. "This is like floating on a very naughty cloud. Don't stop."

He grinned smugly, but if he was quite honest, he had no idea how to proceed from there. It was… weird and amazing and totally new, a bit like discovering sex for the second time. Shepard seemed to have some ideas of her own, though. Stopping him with a gesture, she turned very carefully, bending her own body almost double and sliding along his, until she could return the favour.

He gasped hard. Her tongue did fabulous things to him, and he was confused as to why it felt so _different_ until he realized that she was coming at him from a completely new angle. One they would never have managed within the confines of the bed, or at least not without considerable discomfort. _Interesting_. He focused on this new discovery, trying to find spots on her body he'd never caressed before, and he was so caught up in making her squirm and whimper that he hardly noticed the gradual increase in gravity until they softly sank into the sheets again.

And just like that the dreamy lassitude turned into something far more urgent. Shepard was just as eager as he was. No wonder. A quick glance at the clock told him they'd spent almost an hour up there, showering each other with caresses. _Talk about extended foreplay._ He sent a silent thank you to EDI and Joker, aware he'd never have been able to summon so much patience without their little trick.

But now the time for patience was over. He spread her wide, sliding between her legs and inside her in one smooth stroke. They were still not quite back to standard gravity settings, so he didn't have to worry about smothering her with his weight. But he could move properly again, and he didn't waste another moment. Her legs were wrapped tight around his waist, her heels digging into the small of his back, and he felt so close to her, so incredibly close, melting into her, their bodies moving in the same rhythm, so beautiful it made him want to cry.

His orgasm washed over him like a smooth warm wave, filling every fibre of his body with light and happiness. She clung tight to him all the way through it, sighing softly, and he knew she was there with him, just as overwhelmed as he was. _Perfect_.

* * *

Susannah emerged from the shower with a bright smile on her face, eager to rejoin James in bed. But as she passed her desk, she was stopped by the signal announcing an incoming vid call. _Admiral Hackett_. Quickly she slipped into a long tunic and took the call, hiding her naked legs under her desk.

"Shepard. I hear congratulations are in order."

"Thank you, sir." Susannah hardly believed her eyes. Had he just _smiled_?

"Major Alenko told me you're on your way back. That's good news. People here are eager to greet our heroes, Shepard. Expect a bunch of promotions for everyone on the ship once you return." The admiral was back to his usual business-like tone. "Major Alenko has plans to teach at the Academy, I'm told, so the Normandy will be all yours again. _Captain Shepard._ Has a nice ring to it. "

Susannah nodded, feeling mildly dazed by the flood of good news. "Sir. That's-"

"Oh, and Shepard? Please give Lieutenant Vega my regards. On your return, he will resume his N7 training. We expect a lot of him, you know." Hackett coughed. "The Council has agreed to nominate several more human Spectres in the near future. I'm sure the Lieutenant will be interested to hear this."

"I'm sure he will. But, Sir?" Susannah tried to read Hackett's face, but he was far too wary to give anything away. "How long have you known about all of this? I mean, did you know when-"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Shepard." Hackett dismissed her with a gesture. "Enjoy your honeymoon, Commander. See you soon. Hackett out."

Throwing off her tunic, she sauntered back to the bed where James was still stretched out lazily. "Did you hear?"

"Every word." He pulled her back under the blanket, spooning her from behind. "Sly old fox. Just like him to shake you up a bit when he already knew he'd give the ship back to you later."

She arched back into his warmth, eager to feel his skin on hers. "Still, you'll have to leave the Normandy. I wish there was another way, but-"

"Hey." His hand was warm and sure on her hip. "It's fine. We'll manage. There'll be shore leaves and days off, and we will find a way to see each other. I'll miss you but it will only be temporary."

"True. If they really make you a Spectre, maybe we can work together." Susannah turned on her back, her gaze wandering up to the big skylight above them. The vast star scape surrounding them was wide open, ready to be explored. Full of new challenges, adventures, experiences. " _Come, my friends, ’Tis not too late to seek a newer world_ ," she quoted under her breath.

"Hm?" James gave her a questioning look.

"It's a line from a poem Ashley used to recite. It seems fitting." Susannah's chest felt as if it would burst with happiness. She was here, in his arms, about to start a new life. The Reaper threat that had loomed over them for so long was gone. They were alive and they were free. She couldn't ask for anything more.

 

* The end *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Giant hugs and thanks to zevgirl for all her help with this, and many many thanks to all of you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and generally letting me know you enjoyed the story. There'll be a few more smutty one shots about those two in the future, I promise...

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a thank you for suilven, for organizing the CMDA Secret Santa Exchange. Many thanks to zevgirl for betaing this for me!  
> Art by the wonderful queendread.


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